Hilary makes a come-back !

Gender is probably the most restricting force in American life, whether the question is who must be in the kitchen or who could be in the White House

Gloria Steinam - New York Times January 8th 2007

Mum and I have been watching CNN and fascinated by the unfolding drama in New Hampshire. It's incredible to think that America might finally elect a female president.I don't really have a full understanding of the whole process. The election campaign is vastly complex with huge campaigns raising hundreds of millions of dollars to fight for political ascendancy.

All this confusion makes me feel quite positive about our paliamentary system in Canada and our rather "grey" politics. Despite the wonderful healthcare that mum has received here in the U.S, she is still determined to get her Canadian residency.

Americans seem to view the world through the prism of their own isolation. You would hardly know there is a major political change looming in this country and a need for urgent national debate on healthcare . Britany Speers, Paris Hilton and the rest of the vacuous celebs fill the airwaves. I can only speculate that at best there is a widespread denial of the scope of the healthcare crisis or at worst a callous rejection of the sacrifices required to make a change.

I know I'm back on my same old soap-box but how do you explain 47 million people in America with no healthcare insurance ?

Dr Craig Hildreth ponders the same question more eloquently on his excellent blog The Cheerful Oncologist

"As scientists continue to assiduously unlock the secrets of disabling and killing the malignant cells that cause cancer, and as these secrets are transformed into promising medicines, the irony of the uninsured patient hangs in the air like the stench from a rotting carcass. Do we continue to hold our noses, or do we roll up our sleeves and dispose of the source of our revulsion?"

Sunshine

Almost every civilization on earth uses the sun as an important symbol,most commonly as a symbol of health and immortal life.I truly feel that the past couple of weeks,the sun has exerted an almost magical effect on mum.Its rays seem to have permeated her body and have given her a sense of well-being and vitality.Its also worked wonders on me.I feel more relaxed, happier and positive.Whatever this coming year has in store,I think I am in a better position to cope with what lies ahead.

The ancient Mayans of this region of Latin America had a very complex society with multiple gods each representing an aspect of human nature or aspects of the natural world.Two of the gods seem especially relevant for us now-Ah Kinchil , the Mayan god of the sun ,controlling drought and disease and Ahau Chamahez,the Mayan god of medicine .

The gods may or may not decide what lies ahead,but what I do know is that the only thing we really can control is how we cope with the vicissitudes of life . We have a choice,to interpret unfortunate events in a positive or negative way-constructive or destructive.

This is represented clearly in Mayan mythology.All the Mayan gods were all dualistic and some had a malevolent side.Only the circle symbolized perfection or the balancing of forces.

To fully embrace the light,you have to face the dark.To appreciate happiness,you also have to understand sorrow.This is part of our own human life cycle. All of us have to make sense of the time we have been given and inhabit the world in a way that makes sense to us individually.

We can choose to hope or choose to fear.This is both our challenge and our opportunity.

Yuck !

GTA Braces For What Might Be The Worst All-Day Storm In 60 Years Saturday December 15, 2007
It happens maybe once every winter - a storm so fierce and so serious that you'll remember it for years to come and maybe maybe one day tell your kids how you lived through it.Whether that happens to be the storm that's coming Sunday remains to be seen. But forecasters are calling this a major weather event with potentially serious consequences. Others just call it a good old fashioned nor'easter.Whatever your name for it, the system that started deep in the heart of Texas is expected to strike right in the face of southern Ontario and leave few areas spared. We could get up to 30 cm of snow or more if it tracks the way experts think, potentially making it the biggest such one day snowfall in Ontario for the month of December since 1944. Forecasters are also calling for gusty winds and blowing snow mixed with ice pellets at times. City News

I've blogged quite a lot about the weather recently . It seems as though it's beginning to be a big deal for us recently as we have been back and forth a lot between Oakville, St Catherine's and Buffalo. We are very aware of the weather forcast and road conditions which tend to deteriorate as soon as we cross the Burlington skybridge. Today is especially gruesome though. We are hunkered down waiting for the big storm to hit .

We tried to do some last minute shopping done on the Lakeshore today . Mum appeared like a shimmering mirage in a bright , fluffy purple coat that wrapped her up like a huge duvet. All I saw was a head with a red hat poking through . It was quite funny ! We were literally SCREAMING with cold as we walked along the street with the wind howling and the snow blowing. It's hard to describe....you had to be there. Colin is totally unaffected by the weather ....he wore his Crocs and no jacket today quite happily . He refuses to wear winter boots and just soldiers on.

I'm sure my good friend Maureen thinks this weather is nothing !She spent many years in Nunavut and recently moved down to Toronto permanently. This climate is probably relatively tropical for her ! I really must get a grip and stop moaning . It's quite pathetic of me.

Lets hope we get off on time to Mexico on Monday. We can't wait....some gorgeous sunshine, plenty of relaxation with my brother , Hilary and the girls . For mum, this is so long overdue , the heat on her bones is exactly what she needs and deserves.

I think a prayer to St Christopher, patron saint of travel, is called for ......

Please, please, please if anyone up there is listening to me ,let us get on that flight without any major delays !

Here We go ...Winter is well on it's way

I took this picture of Colin exactly two years ago outside our old house. I love the photo of Colin but it reminds me that winter is on its way . According to environment Canada, thanks to La Nina we are going to have the coldest winter in recent memory. Every year I wonder if I can really get through this season ? I'll never really be a Canadian if it means that I have to embrace the winter ! Confession ....I don't like hot chocolate, snuggling in front of a warm fire and crisp cold days....any of that stuff.

My mother doesn't like it either ....she really can't handle the Canadian weather. I suspect that all those years in South Africa permanently warmed up her blood.

There's only so much .......

Mum saw the dentist at Roswell Park and thankfully she doesn't have osteo-necrosis - she really has a tooth growing ! It's a big relief because she's had enough to deal with. In fact mum has been poked, prodded,zapped and radiated enough . It's time now to take a rest and in her words "there's only so much a poor body can take" . She decided to postpone the upper G.I test next week and only go back to the hospital one more time for her Zometa infusion on December 11th .

The driving back and forth to Buffalo is beginning to get difficult with the winter closing in. We had a nasty drive home today with white-out conditions from Buffalo to St Catherine's. We feel though that it's still worth making the effort to go to Roswell. Mum gets such excellent care that it's hard to think about changing doctors at this point . We just have to deal with the weather and make the most out of the trip .

Mum never , ever complains ....not once.

Hello From Celia

Hello everybody, this is a photo of me taken on a cold winter , freezing Buffalo day . That is why I am wearing my hat. Do you like it ? Moira and I went to a really lovely restaurant this evening for American thanksgiving.

At long last, this is really me writing on the blog! It has been several months now and I haven't really been at my computer at all. However, I am using Moira's blog to say a big, big thank you to all of you who have sent me emails, letters, cards , presents etc etc etc . There are too many of you to thank individually.

I would however like to give a special thanks to my nephew Frank Booth who came all the way from New Zealand for two weeks to help and support me. I was very touched and I just cannot thank him enough . We've had some good laughs Frank and you were very, very patient with me (particularly in the hospital !) .

I'd like to also also mention my friend Viv for her constant letters of support and to my cousin Sheila - thank you Sheila for that lovely CD . Thanks also to Anne and Peter for their constant good wishes .

Mainly , I would like to thank Moira and Andrew. I think Moira's blog is first class and she has never left my side since the day the illness was first diagnosed. We've also had lots of laughter together . Andrew, what can I say about you ? You have been over from BC to Ontario several times to be with me, you've sat with me in hospital , even though I know it's not one of your favourite places . Andrew has topped everything by organized a lovely trip to Cancun for all of us at Christmas. It will be so wonderful to be with all my grandchildren .

I cannot finish without saying a thank you to my friends in Oakville and of course Doug - you have always been there for me .

I am feeling much, much better now and it looks as though the treatment is working. I am feeling very positive and I'm almost back to normal. I will still have to be a regular visitor to the hospital in Buffalo . Everyone here has been so kind and I could not have done this without Moira always driving me , Andrew paying all the hotel expenses and Doug for handling all the insurance paperwork.


I promise to write to you all individually before Christmas.

Thanks again and bye, bye for now.

Celia .

Back in Buffalo

Here we go again ....this time it's a busy week. Mum had an MRI brain scan today , she's got Dr O'Conner Wednesday and a G.I test on Friday focusing on her stomach and oesophagus to try and get to the cause of the nausea .

Thursday is Thanksgiving holiday in the U.S and Friday marks an orgy of shopping. Some stores in the Walden Galleria mall are opening at 4am to allow mad bargain shoppers to get a head start. Now that the Canadian Dollar is so strong, you see the parking lot of the mall littered with discarded old clothes , bags and boxes . The Canadians like the great deals and avoiding duty is almost becoming a bit of a game !

Right by a trash can at the entrance to the mall we saw a discarded pair of Ugg Boots . I couldn't believe it and immediately grabbed them (but they were a size 7 ) The former owner had obviously purchased an even better, nicer pair of boots and just dumped her old ones .

While people are picking up bargains at Target, there is an ethical emergancy in this country and the lack of accessible healthcare is only the tip of the iceberg.

On our drive home, late at night , through the deserted downtown Buffalo streets and boarded up buildings we saw plenty of shopping carts . This time they were full and were pushed by shuffling homeless men and women .

Something is broken here ....how is it possible in this wealthy economy that such abject poverty coexists with enormous affluence ? President Bush has recently asked congress for $200 billion in supplemental financing for war operations but has pledged to veto a children's health bill standing before congress . Apparently , he said something about the president’s responsibility to rein in lawmakers’ “temptation to overspend.”

Starting at Sept. 11, 2001, war-fighting expenses total in excess of a staggering $800 billion and that's ignoring the devestating cost of the loss of human life .

Universal health care insurance for all Americans seems like an impossible dream and President Bush will fight this insane war until his last day in office.

Weekend Update

Friday came and went and was thankfully, very uneventful . The good news is that mum is still doing well. She came along to St Andrews College in Aurora to watch Colin play his first basketball game for Ridley . We had a great day . Mum had amazing stamina to sit in a freezing gym on hard benches watching the boys play and we even made it into the little town of Aurora for a wander along the main street. "Tis the season now for church christmas fairs and we wandered into the local Anglican church and sat down and had lunch in the hall. It was a change and,more importantly, an opportunity to relax and be together .

Is it Friday yet ?

I've had better days. Mum and I heard about the very sudden death of the only brother of a friend.This followed on the heels of the news of the death of a friend of mine last week . I ended the day after calling the police to my home about a long standing issue (nothing to do with any family ) . It was quite unpleasant and unexpected .

The whole day was a complete bust .

On a good note, mum still looks and feels great . She has lost quite a lot of weight though and I have noticed that the clothes she bought for her trip are a little loose. She manages a few bites of food and then feels full . It's not easy , especially as her taste buds are affected by the radiation .

Oh well, tomorrow is another day . Deep breath ...begin again .

A Boys weekend

Mum at the batting cage !
Mum should still be on her cruise . Instead she's helping me out this weekend with Colin and his pal from school. It's been a real boys weekend...video games, go karting and a gangster movie . Today we went to an incredibly noisy game arcade . Mum was fantastic and agreed to join us and provide me with some moral support. I suspect she knew that my reserves were running a little thin and just the thought of more pre-teen stuff was enough to put me over the edge!

Mum has always been 100% there for Colin . No boy could have a better grandma. I think he knows it too.

Reality Check !

Mum and Doug should have been in the warm Carribean waters by now ! This was mum this morning on my balcony. It is absolutely FREEZING today . Grey, yuck and cold ! Oh, well,c'est la vie ! She feels great and is on top form which is all that really counts . I'm dropping her off at Doug's on my way down to St Catherine's to pick Colin up for his mid-term school break .

It's going to be five straight days entertaining two pre-teen boys . Hmmm....Am I up for the job ?

Talismans

tal·is·man –noun,
1. a stone, ring, or other object, engraved with figures or characters supposed to possess occult powers and worn as an amulet or charm.
2. any amulet or charm.
3. anything whose presence exercises a remarkable or powerful influence on human feelings or actions.

This image is from a very talented digital artist Donna Miller and it's a digital reminder or talisman that all we have is today, right now, this second. My mum is a reminder of the image as she simply embraces the possibility of every new day . She's always been an (sometimes impossibly so) joyful person. When I was a child she always tried to inject sheer fun into my life . Every birthday was a big celebration , she took me to dancing lessons, swimming drama ,horseriding and many other things I can't possibly remember !

There's not one "skill" from my childhood that is of any practical use to me now as an adult . Everything I did was for the challenge and pleasure alone. Now, as a parent myself , I cringe at the thought that I might be tempted "hot house" Colin into something that he has no interest in whatsoever. He is playing the cello now at school and the dreadful scratchings make me wonder if I should immediately sign him up for extra lessons ? I resist the temptation though because I can see that he is just taking pleasure in trying out something new and occupying his own musical space . There's no external pressure, no one to judge him , it's just about a chance to dream and aspire .

The opportunity to be very self-deterministic was probably the greatest gift from my childhood.It's been my own personal talisman or amulet that I metaphorically hang around my neck. Like my mum, I'm a dreamer and a planner . There's nothing better than the prospect of an empty day . I'd rather make plans that fail than have nothing at all to look forward to.

We have the "now" but we also have the glorious opportunity to use our days as a launch pad into the future . The future can be long or it can be as short as an afternoon walking the dog or a good movie on television.

A new day gives us possibilities . Pragmatism and a sad deferral of wishes and desires doesn't hold a ton of interest for either myself or my mother !

Fall

Gorgeous Niagara views

A beautiful lunch

A stunning fall day

What could be more perfect than a perfect day ?

Calm

It's odd really. This past week as been remarkable for it's almost total lack of anything to blog about . Mum is really quite well. She's back and forth between her condo and Doug's place as he is largely confined to home due to a problem with his foot . Colin is calm and settled at school and I am feeling quite relaxed and peaceful . The days have been marked by their relative predictability.Even the weather finally feels more like Autumn.

Is it possible that we have finally reached a period of normality ? It seems almost a dull aspiration , but something I welcome with open arms .

I want to shout(blog) this outloud ...Shine on the mundane, the routine and the boring. Let it rain the humdrum , weary tasks of life .

These simple things of life are the elements that anchor us and provide safe harbour in the event of a storm.

Achoo !!!

This weekend was hot and sunny with record breaking high temperatures, very unusual for thanksgiving weekend. Unfortunately for mum, she has been unable to enjoy this extra summer weather. On Sunday night it was clear that she was not doing well . Ongoing issues with nausea and also the start of a cold really knocked her out. She also had a strange looking rash all over her body. I called Roswell Park and the doctor on call suggested that I take mum down to the emergency at the local hospital. He felt that the best medication for nausea was Zofran and she should probably be rehydrated with fluids and get a high dose of the medication through the i.v. Fortunately Oakville Trafalgar Hospital was relatively quiet and mum was seen almost immediately . The doctor checked her over and suggested that she should take the medication three times a day and double her current dose. The X-ray of her stomach and blood work was thankfully normal and after a long night at the hospital she got tucked up into bed.

Unfortunately we are both now laid up with a horrible cold ....I haven't moved out of my bed for a day now and mum is the same . She's just trying to sleep it off .

YUCK ....this is awful ....I will check up on mum today and I hope she has turned the corner.

It should have been a good day.....

This morning mum and Doug left Doug's condo for a day out on a bus tour. Unfortunately mum ended up feeling totally nauseous and sick ......but she was a real trooper and carried on with the trip despite a three hour bus ride home . When I called tonight she was tucked up in bed. We HAVE to get this nausea under control before mum goes on the cruise .

I'm concerned now ....the medications only have limited effect . We will need to sit down with Dr O'Conner and discuss this before she goes away .The nausea affects mum's day-to day life. It's great that so far things appear to be stable but it's awful if she can't get on with life because she has these horrible waves of sickness .

Tonight , I need to focus on balancing my own emotional equilibrium. I am worried about mum ...and feel churned up and anxious . The thought of her on the Atlantic ocean on a ship is bothering me and truthfully, mum being away for a month is also on my mind.

I find in general that the best way to combat anxiety is to make a plan and take action . The problem is that the nausea is not so easy to deal with ....and there's no "plan" that we can make with respect to mums illness. We are not just paying lip-service now to the notion of taking life day by day....it is a reality.

Run For The Cure

Wow ! What a great morning ...Brad, Colin, myself and Colin's friend Devon joined the Ridley College team in the CIBC Run For The Cure in St Catherine's. It was a gorgeous sunny day and the 5K route wound its way along the Welland Canal . There were thousands of runners and walkers all doing their part to raise funds for breast cancer research.

I picked up a pink "survivor" tee-shirt for mum . She wasn't at the walk , but I felt as though she was right there beside us all the way.

A waiting state of mind

I think overall, this has been a good week for mum. Her move is (almost) complete and I think that she can finally settle into her new place. She is really looking forward to her trip and was out today with Doug getting him kitted out with some new clothes (he's dropped a few pounds since his surgery )
The "downer" is that we are back to that "waiting" mode. Waiting for Andrew to arrive tomorrow, waiting to get the scans over with , waiting to see if she can work out an alternative schedule for the Zometa infusion due to her travel plans and most importantly, waiting for the results of the scans at her appointment a week from Wednesday . Anyone who has been a faithful reader of this blog, will know that waiting is not something I am good at. All this "be in the moment" stuff wears rather thin.

My wish right now is for a pair of X-Ray specs that could zoom into mum and pronounce that she has passed her medical and is fit for active duty. Mostly, I don't think I need them because I do have a tendency to scrutinize her closely for any signs of aching bones . Another reason why her trip will be good, gives us both a break from this hyper-vigilance.

Seize The Day

Growing up as a child and young adult in South Africa, the sight of women carrying huge loads is very common. You see women carrying water and firewood on their heads and babies on their backs. Poverty means that your choices are very limited and your own labour has relatively low currency. To a typical African women, we must seem extraordinarily pampered here in North America.
I don't think I have ever seriously reflected about what it must be like to do hard physical labour every single day....to haul things, to fetch , to drag and to push. What must it be like to have no relief ? I am very fortunate that I have the means to hire someone to share the burden of my various chores.
This summer I have done more than usual physical labour and I'm ashamed to admit that my relatively measly amount of work is wearing me out . I get quite demoralized with the sight of moving boxes and frustrated with myself that I can't just leap into action and drill a hole, fix a broken light switch and shove heavy objects out of the way. The truth is that I feel quite helpless.....an uneasy state of mind for my kind of personality.

Mum and I are both very similar. For her, to sit back and watch others work is not something she is comfortable with. She gets frustrated relying on people and I know would rather just get the job done .She hates waiting around with half finished projects. I try to console her ..."C'est la Vie ", "Let it flow" ....all useless platitudes as we both know that the slightest hint that our independence is compromised is an utter anathema and something to be avoided at all cost.

Carpe Diem is our mutual philosophy ...or...get bums in gear....NOW !

Shopping

Mum and I quite enjoy Ikea. When she first arrived in Canada, we were content to pick up her furniture almost exclusively from the store as she still owned her flat in Ferndown. I will never forget Mum, her friend Viv and myself spending EIGHT HOURS one day at the Mississagua Ikea getting all the stuff she needed.....must be some sort of record ! Today, we decided to take a trip down memory lane and we ended up buying a picture for Colin's room . The Mini is very small and the picture is very large and so we ended up literally jamming everything into the car and mum and Colin folded themselves into the car for the drive home. I laughed hysterically at the two of them when I took the picture but Mum didn't have quite the same sense of humour(she was perched on the edge of the front seat) ....all she could think about was arriving home in one piece !

We chatted tonight on the drive back from Ridley.We both recognize that she's come a long way ....there were some extremely bleak days a short couple of months ago....finally getting out and about and doing some ordinary things is very healthy for both the body and mind - Mum certainly does not want to be wrapped up in a cocoon.

Andrew arrives next week and he will be going down to Buffalo with mum for her CT and bone scan . I just have to believe that she will have positive or stable results - I can't (won't)even consider the alternatives .