One Year ago.....

525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love.
Seasons of love.

From "Rent" the musical ........

I have just returned from the most amazing evening . I went to the Metropolitan Community Church in Toronto for their 30th anniversary celebrations . It was an evening that was filled with spectacular music by soloists and the choir and was by far the most enjoyable and affirming event I have been too all year . I laughed, I cried and I shared something special with the whole congregation.

I'm also pretty emotional today for another reason, it's been a year now since mum was diagnosed with metastatic cancer ....a whole year .......

Mum is back at the Baldwins in Muskoka for her annual bridge week, I've just returned from a trip to New York and invariably, life just rolls on.....

How can I possible measure this year ? From the day mum was first diagnosed ? From the moment I realized that she would make it out of the hospital ? Since Colin's birthday , my birthday ? Doug dying ? The simple truth is that I cannot measure or even make sense of the past year ...it has just unfolded at its own tempo and we are merely waiting the sidelines almost as observers of our own life.

I am not trying to be too esoteric or "Zen-like"...it's just that whatever thoughts I had this time last year about how mums illness and indeed my life would unfold have all proved to be fairly useless and inaccurate. In fact I can only conclude that analysis and speculation was a waste of time.

The simple facts are that mum is doing really well, we are all reasonably happy and healthy .Beyond that, I cannot even begin to speculate what I'll be writing a year from now on this blog.

Watch this space....

With Andrew and Decia 80 and 87 -Looking great!

Back From the Cruise(s)

Mum arrived back today from a wonderful month away. She left Miami in April and cruised to Southampton , spent 10 days with the family in the UK and then returned on the Queen Mary.

Mum looks AMAZING . She's the best I've seen her in over a year. She's picked up some weight and her vitality seems to be renewed . I could hardly believe that the person that arrived in the taxi today from the airport was the same mother I waved goodbye to a month ago . She had a great time with her friend Marjorie and she was glad to meet up again with her friends and family. My Anunt Decia was 87 this year and my mum says she lookers even younger than the last time she saw her ! My Uncles Charlie and Andrew are both looking well and it was great for mum to be with her family once more ...the best kind of medicine.

Colin the Scientist

Brad and I were thrilled with Colin's wonderful achievement at the Niagara Regional Science Fair. As well as winning an award for the top project at school, he also won a Niagara Regional award .

How did he get so grown up and so smart all of a sudden ???????

Spring Finally and good news

I spent this evening with my friend at our local garden centre making this lovely spring container. It felt so good to be outdoors(well, almost) and working with plants and soil . What made me feel even better was the latest news about mum from Dr O'Connor. The bone tumors have shrunk significantly and there is no evidence of any sign of a growth of the cancer . The appointment was ctually on her 71st birthday and so it was probably the best pesent she could have possibly hoped for .
Andrew flew over from Vancouver for her birthday and we had a good weekend together .

Mum is now off on a cruise this Sunday . It was the trip she and Doug were planning together and she decided to go ahead with her plans . Her friend Marjorie is going along and I am sure they will have an excellent trip . They leave from Miami to Southampon and then returning to New York on the Queen Mary .

Spring is always a time of renewal and the good news about the treatment has made us all feel invogorated.

Trip To The Zoo

The highlight of March break was a trip to the zoo. Colin loved it, we were FREEZING ...beyond freezing ! Mum and I walked for miles and had a lovely day with COlin.

Old memories with Colin in Ferndown

March Madness

MARCH by Emily Dickinson
Dear March, come in!
How glad I am!
I looked for you before.
Put down your hat-
You must have walked-
How out of breath you are!
Dear March, how are you?
And the rest?
Did you leave Nature well?
Oh, March, come right upstairs with me,
I have so much to tell.


March will go down in the history books of our family as being a difficult month . Sadly, Doug's funeral was not until Good Friday and the start of the easter weekend .So we all had this dreadful anticipation with the hope of course, that it would all go well.
The funeral was lovely. It was one of the few sunny days we had in March and it was very dignified, peaceful and simple , very like Doug . We all went up to the condo afterwards for a few drinks and a chat and the day ended on a very positive note .

After the funeral was over though, mum had a bit of a crash. She was recovering from a bad cold that started shortly after to her last visit to Roswell in February . Hilary, my sister in law, was visiting from Vancouver and mum managed to hold up reasonably well and the just felt really sick and awful . I was no help at all as I was laid up in bed for a week. Just as mum and I started recovering, Colin went downhill fast and basically spent his March break sitting on his Grandma's recliner chair playing video games. By the time I took him back to school, he was a ghostly shade of white and looked quite sad next to all the other kids glowing from their tans in the Bahama's. Florida etc etc .

How is Mum feeling now ? Sad, angry , confused, cut-short , heartbroken .......but mum is a complete inspiration in the way she manages to pick herself up, get the help she needs and reach out to the people around her who love and care for her. She is the most resiliant, strong person I will ever know and I am so incredibally proud of her . Mum has never read a "self help" book in her life , but she is the sort of person that is the true embodiment of courage under adversity . She didgs down deep and always seems to find a small spark that she can relight. Words cannot describe my wonderful mother . She is my rock and my touchpoint ... and far from me helping her , she has never , ever stopped being my most loyal friend , mother and confidant . I am so fortunate to have received that gift .

The good news now is that we have all rebounded very well. This is thanks in large part to our Dr Hamboyan, our wonderful GP who makes house calls. He is a godsend and the most gentle, lovely man you could ever meet. He has four young kids of his own and enjoys the flexibility of doing house calls as he can fit it around the schedules of his family .

Life does roll on and we are just trying to enjoy the first specks of spring and look forward to April . This weekend Andrew is coming to visit, we are going to Buffalo and then on April 8th, we are going to celebrate mums 71st Birthday !

Happier times

Hard to believe that was us two weeks ago in South Beach Miami . Mum, Maureen and I went down for my birthday and we had a great time .This was before we realized that poor old Doug was having such a hard time . Shortly after we returned from Florida he got transfered into ICU and went downhill very fast . It still seems very unreal .

Today has been a better day . Mum made a few phone calls, and we had a good chat with Nigel in the UK which was lovely . His wife Denise is in Ghana doing community work at the moment . She sounds great and the emails have been quite entertaining !

As we have cheered up a little bit, we are hoping that Doug's daughter Cindy, will be able to join us for a meal on the weekend . It may lift her spirits during this difficult time. Hilary , Andrew's wife , is coming over from Vancouver for the weekend to stay with mum and she will drive her to Buffalo for her appointment on Tuesday .

It's also Colin's spring break ....three LONG weeks ahead of us as the school holidays coincide with easter . I have no idea what we will do to fill in the time but we will think of something I'm sure .

A busy time ahead .....probably just as well to have a distraction as the Ackland family and Doug's funeral later this month are very much in our thoughts.

R.I.P Doug

For what is it to die,
But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?
Kahlil Gibran, from "The Prophet"

The past couple of weeks have been very rough . Mum's friend Doug died on Friday night. It's very hard to put into words how we feel. Doug was a good friend to mum and to all of us .He will be sorely missed . His death was unexpected.Mum said goodbye quite happily and went to Florida the day before Doug went into hospital for surgery on his foot . The expectation was that he would manage reasonably well. Sadly, he passed away from complications of diabetes and never fully recovered from the operation. It is very, very sad and mum is feeling quite adrift at the moment. We feel for his daughters , grandaughters and all his family and friends . Doug was a kind, generous person and we will always remember him with great fondness. We just have to hold on to lovely memories of his kind spirit and warm heart .

The finality of death is so very bleak and painful. It's a sad time.

Long time no post !

I've just realized that it has been a while since I posted an update . The reason is a very simple and positive one....there is nothing to write about ....and that's a good thing ! Mum is well , her nausea seems to be under control, she's in no pain and for the first time in ages , she's feeling more like her old self .

My life,as a result,has settled into a semblance of a predictable routine and so far,everything seems to be calm. It's good to not feel that nagging concern .

It's cold, snowy and wintry here ....this is the time of year that feels like we are in one big bunker . Too cold to go outside , not enough daylight , freezing temperatures and just horrible . As I write this, I am hibernating inside our local coffee shop with a hot Latte and a toasted cheese sandwich for lunch feeling a bit like a Polar explorer ...I could step outside into the snowy wilds of Oakville but it feels far too much like an adventure . Best to stay tucked up and warm inside !

This is what we need !

Finally nausea may be relieved

Mum had her endoscopy today . Fortunately she slept through the whole event . When she woke up in the recovery room , she apparently asked the nurse when was it going to start ! She was completely zonked and a bit shivery afterwards which is hardly surprising as she was given a drug called Versed ( a heavy-duty sedative ) and extra Fentanyl . When she returned to the hotel, she had some pain in her legs and took Oxycodone . Consequently, she is sound asleep and I doubt she will wake up again until the morning . She managed to have a little soup before crashing and hopefully she will not have any problems as a result of the procedure.

Mums endoscopy showed that it is most likely that she has something called "Gastroparesis" which is an abnormal function of the muscles of the stomach. Her gastroenterology doctor, Dr Schiff explained that the stomach muscles have to work properly to propel food from the stomach and into the small intestine. If the muscles or the nerves that control the muscles are not working normally, food remains in the stomach longer potentially causing nausea. This is often seen in people with diabetes or as a side effect of narcotics which slows everything down .

Hmmmm ...... it's quite ironic that the very thing that makes mum virtually pain-free has other side effects that can be almost as distressing . Mums painkillers work very well for her. She is alert and active ..... I've never noticed anything that might make her think twce about taking them . Hopefully, this particular problem can be resolved now .

Mum has been prescribed metaclopromide (Reglan) which has the effect of speeding up digestion, which in turn, prevents acid from staying in the stomach too long. This will hopefully take care of the nausea and will increase her appetite.

Amazing ..... it was 64F this morning in Buffalo . WOW .....hard to believe such mild temps in January . Not that we really notice as it's been three straight days in the hospital . We have'nt been outside once. We are both looking forward to picking up Colin from school and going HOME !

Hilary makes a come-back !

Gender is probably the most restricting force in American life, whether the question is who must be in the kitchen or who could be in the White House

Gloria Steinam - New York Times January 8th 2007

Mum and I have been watching CNN and fascinated by the unfolding drama in New Hampshire. It's incredible to think that America might finally elect a female president.I don't really have a full understanding of the whole process. The election campaign is vastly complex with huge campaigns raising hundreds of millions of dollars to fight for political ascendancy.

All this confusion makes me feel quite positive about our paliamentary system in Canada and our rather "grey" politics. Despite the wonderful healthcare that mum has received here in the U.S, she is still determined to get her Canadian residency.

Americans seem to view the world through the prism of their own isolation. You would hardly know there is a major political change looming in this country and a need for urgent national debate on healthcare . Britany Speers, Paris Hilton and the rest of the vacuous celebs fill the airwaves. I can only speculate that at best there is a widespread denial of the scope of the healthcare crisis or at worst a callous rejection of the sacrifices required to make a change.

I know I'm back on my same old soap-box but how do you explain 47 million people in America with no healthcare insurance ?

Dr Craig Hildreth ponders the same question more eloquently on his excellent blog The Cheerful Oncologist

"As scientists continue to assiduously unlock the secrets of disabling and killing the malignant cells that cause cancer, and as these secrets are transformed into promising medicines, the irony of the uninsured patient hangs in the air like the stench from a rotting carcass. Do we continue to hold our noses, or do we roll up our sleeves and dispose of the source of our revulsion?"

New Year and back in Buffalo

It's been a long couple of days with one more day tomorrow at Roswell for the upper GI endoscopy. There's a lot of waiting around, filling out forms, blood tests etc. Everyone is so friendly though that the time passes quickly.

Around lunchtime in the lobby , Roswell has musicians perform from the community. Today we had a singer and a guitar player. Often, the musicians are excellent and it adds a lovely atmosphere to the whole hospital .

The waiting rooms were sad today ....a young mother with pancreatic cancer and several younger black breast cancer patients (37% of Buffalo's population is African American). Breast cancer in African-American women is a far less common disease than in white women but when it occurs, it is more aggressive and harder to treat.To see young women in their twenties and thirties coping with cancer is particularly sobering.

The results of the CT scan and bone scans were good.In particular the bone scan was very encouraging as it shows "no progression of disease within the bone".Dr O'Conner ordered some extra X-rays of mums hips and both femurs(thigh bone.This is the "problem" area and the one that causes most pain aside from her back.Dr O'Conner suggested we get a more precise X-ray of this specific area as a baseline so that mum can be monitored more closely.

Her spine is looking relatively stable.The bone scan shows most activity in her lower thoracic spine (upper back ) and sacrum (tailbone).At the moment there's no talk of any further radiation and apart from her regular monthly check ups,mum will not have any major appointments for the next three months which is a big relief and means any plans for travel can go ahead.

Mum is really enjoying this time.The trip to Mexico and the sunshine seems to have helped tremendously.Apart from the nausea,she is feeling very well.Her hair is starting to grow back and she is more active.She's got a trip planned to the theatre in Toronto later this month with Doug and quite a few dates with friends.It feels more normal and settled and even the trips to the hospital feel almost routine.