“More than any other word on earth, the word I hate the most right now is "trouper." I despise the very concept, the mere idea that it's a even good thing to be. I loathe the pressure it puts on us to be so goddamn "brave," to be cheerful and upbeat and have a "positive attitude;" and, above all, to "fight."I'm not a trouper. I'm not brave, I'm not upbeat, I'm not a fighter. I spend an average of 2.75 hours every day crying. I cry so hard it sounds like I'm strangling, or drowning. I went to talk to a therapist, and she says I'm suffering from adjustment disorder and bereavement. Bereavement for my own lost self, the loss of the delicious life that I had worked so hard to create: the freedom, the independence, the strength, the vitality, the lust, the competence, the companionship, the dignity. All gone now . I hate what I've become. I hate what my life has turned into.And the only choices I seem to have are: suck it up and be a "trouper"; or bury my face in my pillow and sob.I say fuck the whole trouper business. Let them put this on my gravestone: "Her attitude stunk like day-old fecal matter, and we were afraid she would never ever ever EVER shut up with all that damn crying and whining. Praise Eternity!"One of the best cancer “blogs” on the internet is written by a woman “Liz” over at "As The Tumour Turns" . This particular post was written while she was in the middle of chemotherapy for a highly aggressive stage 4 lymphoma. I follow Liz every day. Her humour, her bravery in the face of some tough times and her account of her life with a diagnosis of cancer is very moving and well worth checking out. I also enjoy some of her non-cancer related blogging, stories of her family, her business , her thoughts on the medical system- it is provacative and thoughtful work.
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the whole issue of “attitude” and cancer . There is often a subtle pressure placed on people dealing with cancer to be “ brave “or be an “inspiration “. Its almost as if we need to see those qualities to make the diagnosis more palatable somehow.
Tomorrow I’ll write something about my mums attitude , but for now, I’ll just be happy that I have finally moved and I am blogging from the air conditioned comfort of her condo .
Spoke to mum again tonight, she's still sleepy , but sounded better today , slightly stronger and calmer ......she needs to heal and one of the best remedies is sleep.
