Family and more

One Year ago.....

2008-06-02T23:51:00.007-04:00

525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love.
Seasons of love.

From "Rent" the musical ........

I have just returned from the most amazing evening . I went to the Metropolitan Community Church in Toronto for their 30th anniversary celebrations . It was an evening that was filled with spectacular music by soloists and the choir and was by far the most enjoyable and affirming event I have been too all year . I laughed, I cried and I shared something special with the whole congregation.

I'm also pretty emotional today for another reason, it's been a year now since mum was diagnosed with metastatic cancer ....a whole year .......

Mum is back at the Baldwins in Muskoka for her annual bridge week, I've just returned from a trip to New York and invariably, life just rolls on.....

How can I possible measure this year ? From the day mum was first diagnosed ? From the moment I realized that she would make it out of the hospital ? Since Colin's birthday , my birthday ? Doug dying ? The simple truth is that I cannot measure or even make sense of the past year ...it has just unfolded at its own tempo and we are merely waiting the sidelines almost as observers of our own life.

I am not trying to be too esoteric or "Zen-like"...it's just that whatever thoughts I had this time last year about how mums illness and indeed my life would unfold have all proved to be fairly useless and inaccurate. In fact I can only conclude that analysis and speculation was a waste of time.

The simple facts are that mum is doing really well, we are all reasonably happy and healthy .Beyond that, I cannot even begin to speculate what I'll be writing a year from now on this blog.

Watch this space....

With Andrew and Decia 80 and 87 -Looking great!

2008-05-10T23:56:00.001-04:00

Back From the Cruise(s)

2008-05-10T23:36:00.007-04:00

Mum arrived back today from a wonderful month away. She left Miami in April and cruised to Southampton , spent 10 days with the family in the UK and then returned on the Queen Mary.

Mum looks AMAZING . She's the best I've seen her in over a year. She's picked up some weight and her vitality seems to be renewed . I could hardly believe that the person that arrived in the taxi today from the airport was the same mother I waved goodbye to a month ago . She had a great time with her friend Marjorie and she was glad to meet up again with her friends and family. My Anunt Decia was 87 this year and my mum says she lookers even younger than the last time she saw her ! My Uncles Charlie and Andrew are both looking well and it was great for mum to be with her family once more ...the best kind of medicine.

Colin the Scientist

2008-04-10T22:56:00.003-04:00

Brad and I were thrilled with Colin's wonderful achievement at the Niagara Regional Science Fair. As well as winning an award for the top project at school, he also won a Niagara Regional award .

How did he get so grown up and so smart all of a sudden ???????

Spring Finally and good news

2008-04-10T22:46:00.004-04:00

I spent this evening with my friend at our local garden centre making this lovely spring container. It felt so good to be outdoors(well, almost) and working with plants and soil . What made me feel even better was the latest news about mum from Dr O'Connor. The bone tumors have shrunk significantly and there is no evidence of any sign of a growth of the cancer . The appointment was ctually on her 71st birthday and so it was probably the best pesent she could have possibly hoped for .
Andrew flew over from Vancouver for her birthday and we had a good weekend together .

Mum is now off on a cruise this Sunday . It was the trip she and Doug were planning together and she decided to go ahead with her plans . Her friend Marjorie is going along and I am sure they will have an excellent trip . They leave from Miami to Southampon and then returning to New York on the Queen Mary .

Spring is always a time of renewal and the good news about the treatment has made us all feel invogorated.

Trip To The Zoo

2008-04-04T02:07:00.004-04:00

The highlight of March break was a trip to the zoo. Colin loved it, we were FREEZING ...beyond freezing ! Mum and I walked for miles and had a lovely day with COlin.

Old memories with Colin in Ferndown

2008-04-04T01:56:00.001-04:00

March Madness

2008-04-04T00:41:00.006-04:00

MARCH by Emily Dickinson
Dear March, come in!
How glad I am!
I looked for you before.
Put down your hat-
You must have walked-
How out of breath you are!
Dear March, how are you?
And the rest?
Did you leave Nature well?
Oh, March, come right upstairs with me,
I have so much to tell.

March will go down in the history books of our family as being a difficult month . Sadly, Doug's funeral was not until Good Friday and the start of the easter weekend .So we all had this dreadful anticipation with the hope of course, that it would all go well.
The funeral was lovely. It was one of the few sunny days we had in March and it was very dignified, peaceful and simple , very like Doug . We all went up to the condo afterwards for a few drinks and a chat and the day ended on a very positive note .

After the funeral was over though, mum had a bit of a crash. She was recovering from a bad cold that started shortly after to her last visit to Roswell in February . Hilary, my sister in law, was visiting from Vancouver and mum managed to hold up reasonably well and the just felt really sick and awful . I was no help at all as I was laid up in bed for a week. Just as mum and I started recovering, Colin went downhill fast and basically spent his March break sitting on his Grandma's recliner chair playing video games. By the time I took him back to school, he was a ghostly shade of white and looked quite sad next to all the other kids glowing from their tans in the Bahama's. Florida etc etc .

How is Mum feeling now ? Sad, angry , confused, cut-short , heartbroken .......but mum is a complete inspiration in the way she manages to pick herself up, get the help she needs and reach out to the people around her who love and care for her. She is the most resiliant, strong person I will ever know and I am so incredibally proud of her . Mum has never read a "self help" book in her life , but she is the sort of person that is the true embodiment of courage under adversity . She didgs down deep and always seems to find a small spark that she can relight. Words cannot describe my wonderful mother . She is my rock and my touchpoint ... and far from me helping her , she has never , ever stopped being my most loyal friend , mother and confidant . I am so fortunate to have received that gift .

The good news now is that we have all rebounded very well. This is thanks in large part to our Dr Hamboyan, our wonderful GP who makes house calls. He is a godsend and the most gentle, lovely man you could ever meet. He has four young kids of his own and enjoys the flexibility of doing house calls as he can fit it around the schedules of his family .

Life does roll on and we are just trying to enjoy the first specks of spring and look forward to April . This weekend Andrew is coming to visit, we are going to Buffalo and then on April 8th, we are going to celebrate mums 71st Birthday !

Happier times

2008-03-03T16:31:00.007-05:00

Hard to believe that was us two weeks ago in South Beach Miami . Mum, Maureen and I went down for my birthday and we had a great time .This was before we realized that poor old Doug was having such a hard time . Shortly after we returned from Florida he got transfered into ICU and went downhill very fast . It still seems very unreal .

Today has been a better day . Mum made a few phone calls, and we had a good chat with Nigel in the UK which was lovely . His wife Denise is in Ghana doing community work at the moment . She sounds great and the emails have been quite entertaining !

As we have cheered up a little bit, we are hoping that Doug's daughter Cindy, will be able to join us for a meal on the weekend . It may lift her spirits during this difficult time. Hilary , Andrew's wife , is coming over from Vancouver for the weekend to stay with mum and she will drive her to Buffalo for her appointment on Tuesday .

It's also Colin's spring break ....three LONG weeks ahead of us as the school holidays coincide with easter . I have no idea what we will do to fill in the time but we will think of something I'm sure .

A busy time ahead .....probably just as well to have a distraction as the Ackland family and Doug's funeral later this month are very much in our thoughts.

R.I.P Doug

2008-03-02T23:50:00.008-05:00

For what is it to die,
But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?
Kahlil Gibran, from "The Prophet"

The past couple of weeks have been very rough . Mum's friend Doug died on Friday night. It's very hard to put into words how we feel. Doug was a good friend to mum and to all of us .He will be sorely missed . His death was unexpected.Mum said goodbye quite happily and went to Florida the day before Doug went into hospital for surgery on his foot . The expectation was that he would manage reasonably well. Sadly, he passed away from complications of diabetes and never fully recovered from the operation. It is very, very sad and mum is feeling quite adrift at the moment. We feel for his daughters , grandaughters and all his family and friends . Doug was a kind, generous person and we will always remember him with great fondness. We just have to hold on to lovely memories of his kind spirit and warm heart .

The finality of death is so very bleak and painful. It's a sad time.

Long time no post !

2008-01-22T13:30:00.000-05:00

I've just realized that it has been a while since I posted an update . The reason is a very simple and positive one....there is nothing to write about ....and that's a good thing ! Mum is well , her nausea seems to be under control, she's in no pain and for the first time in ages , she's feeling more like her old self .

My life,as a result,has settled into a semblance of a predictable routine and so far,everything seems to be calm. It's good to not feel that nagging concern .

It's cold, snowy and wintry here ....this is the time of year that feels like we are in one big bunker . Too cold to go outside , not enough daylight , freezing temperatures and just horrible . As I write this, I am hibernating inside our local coffee shop with a hot Latte and a toasted cheese sandwich for lunch feeling a bit like a Polar explorer ...I could step outside into the snowy wilds of Oakville but it feels far too much like an adventure . Best to stay tucked up and warm inside !

This is what we need !

2008-01-12T00:09:00.000-05:00

Finally nausea may be relieved

2008-01-09T17:53:00.000-05:00

Mum had her endoscopy today . Fortunately she slept through the whole event . When she woke up in the recovery room , she apparently asked the nurse when was it going to start ! She was completely zonked and a bit shivery afterwards which is hardly surprising as she was given a drug called Versed ( a heavy-duty sedative ) and extra Fentanyl . When she returned to the hotel, she had some pain in her legs and took Oxycodone . Consequently, she is sound asleep and I doubt she will wake up again until the morning . She managed to have a little soup before crashing and hopefully she will not have any problems as a result of the procedure.

Mums endoscopy showed that it is most likely that she has something called "Gastroparesis" which is an abnormal function of the muscles of the stomach. Her gastroenterology doctor, Dr Schiff explained that the stomach muscles have to work properly to propel food from the stomach and into the small intestine. If the muscles or the nerves that control the muscles are not working normally, food remains in the stomach longer potentially causing nausea. This is often seen in people with diabetes or as a side effect of narcotics which slows everything down .

Hmmmm ...... it's quite ironic that the very thing that makes mum virtually pain-free has other side effects that can be almost as distressing . Mums painkillers work very well for her. She is alert and active ..... I've never noticed anything that might make her think twce about taking them . Hopefully, this particular problem can be resolved now .

Mum has been prescribed metaclopromide (Reglan) which has the effect of speeding up digestion, which in turn, prevents acid from staying in the stomach too long. This will hopefully take care of the nausea and will increase her appetite.

Amazing ..... it was 64F this morning in Buffalo . WOW .....hard to believe such mild temps in January . Not that we really notice as it's been three straight days in the hospital . We have'nt been outside once. We are both looking forward to picking up Colin from school and going HOME !

Hilary makes a come-back !

2008-01-08T23:25:00.001-05:00

Gender is probably the most restricting force in American life, whether the question is who must be in the kitchen or who could be in the White House

Gloria Steinam - New York Times January 8th 2007

Mum and I have been watching CNN and fascinated by the unfolding drama in New Hampshire. It's incredible to think that America might finally elect a female president.I don't really have a full understanding of the whole process. The election campaign is vastly complex with huge campaigns raising hundreds of millions of dollars to fight for political ascendancy.

All this confusion makes me feel quite positive about our paliamentary system in Canada and our rather "grey" politics. Despite the wonderful healthcare that mum has received here in the U.S, she is still determined to get her Canadian residency.

Americans seem to view the world through the prism of their own isolation. You would hardly know there is a major political change looming in this country and a need for urgent national debate on healthcare . Britany Speers, Paris Hilton and the rest of the vacuous celebs fill the airwaves. I can only speculate that at best there is a widespread denial of the scope of the healthcare crisis or at worst a callous rejection of the sacrifices required to make a change.

I know I'm back on my same old soap-box but how do you explain 47 million people in America with no healthcare insurance ?

Dr Craig Hildreth ponders the same question more eloquently on his excellent blog The Cheerful Oncologist

"As scientists continue to assiduously unlock the secrets of disabling and killing the malignant cells that cause cancer, and as these secrets are transformed into promising medicines, the irony of the uninsured patient hangs in the air like the stench from a rotting carcass. Do we continue to hold our noses, or do we roll up our sleeves and dispose of the source of our revulsion?"

New Year and back in Buffalo

2008-01-08T17:01:00.000-05:00

It's been a long couple of days with one more day tomorrow at Roswell for the upper GI endoscopy. There's a lot of waiting around, filling out forms, blood tests etc. Everyone is so friendly though that the time passes quickly.

Around lunchtime in the lobby , Roswell has musicians perform from the community. Today we had a singer and a guitar player. Often, the musicians are excellent and it adds a lovely atmosphere to the whole hospital .

The waiting rooms were sad today ....a young mother with pancreatic cancer and several younger black breast cancer patients (37% of Buffalo's population is African American). Breast cancer in African-American women is a far less common disease than in white women but when it occurs, it is more aggressive and harder to treat.To see young women in their twenties and thirties coping with cancer is particularly sobering.

The results of the CT scan and bone scans were good.In particular the bone scan was very encouraging as it shows "no progression of disease within the bone".Dr O'Conner ordered some extra X-rays of mums hips and both femurs(thigh bone.This is the "problem" area and the one that causes most pain aside from her back.Dr O'Conner suggested we get a more precise X-ray of this specific area as a baseline so that mum can be monitored more closely.

Her spine is looking relatively stable.The bone scan shows most activity in her lower thoracic spine (upper back ) and sacrum (tailbone).At the moment there's no talk of any further radiation and apart from her regular monthly check ups,mum will not have any major appointments for the next three months which is a big relief and means any plans for travel can go ahead.

Mum is really enjoying this time.The trip to Mexico and the sunshine seems to have helped tremendously.Apart from the nausea,she is feeling very well.Her hair is starting to grow back and she is more active.She's got a trip planned to the theatre in Toronto later this month with Doug and quite a few dates with friends.It feels more normal and settled and even the trips to the hospital feel almost routine.

Sunshine

2007-12-29T23:14:00.001-05:00

Almost every civilization on earth uses the sun as an important symbol,most commonly as a symbol of health and immortal life.I truly feel that the past couple of weeks,the sun has exerted an almost magical effect on mum.Its rays seem to have permeated her body and have given her a sense of well-being and vitality.Its also worked wonders on me.I feel more relaxed, happier and positive.Whatever this coming year has in store,I think I am in a better position to cope with what lies ahead.

The ancient Mayans of this region of Latin America had a very complex society with multiple gods each representing an aspect of human nature or aspects of the natural world.Two of the gods seem especially relevant for us now-Ah Kinchil , the Mayan god of the sun ,controlling drought and disease and Ahau Chamahez,the Mayan god of medicine .

The gods may or may not decide what lies ahead,but what I do know is that the only thing we really can control is how we cope with the vicissitudes of life . We have a choice,to interpret unfortunate events in a positive or negative way-constructive or destructive.

This is represented clearly in Mayan mythology.All the Mayan gods were all dualistic and some had a malevolent side.Only the circle symbolized perfection or the balancing of forces.

To fully embrace the light,you have to face the dark.To appreciate happiness,you also have to understand sorrow.This is part of our own human life cycle. All of us have to make sense of the time we have been given and inhabit the world in a way that makes sense to us individually.

We can choose to hope or choose to fear.This is both our challenge and our opportunity.

Adventures on Isla Mujeres !

2007-12-29T22:42:00.000-05:00

2007-12-28T21:10:00.000-05:00

It's hard to be in Mexico and not be reminded of the iconic artist Frieda Kahlo. I'd like to find out more about Mexican art, the tacky shops of this area are quite awful with a "made in China" vibe.Even the ancient Mayan civilization is exploited and bastardized with huge hotels in the shape of temples emerging like a mirage on the skyline of Cancun.

Today , mum and I had a fabulous adventure . We rented a golf cart and toured the island . It was great fun .

I'll post some pictures tomorrow . It was a lovely day....we could'nt have asked for more.

Island Escape

2007-12-27T21:12:00.000-05:00

Hola Amigos ! We are officially on island time - Isla Mujeres to be precise.We said goodbye to the family yesterday in Cancun after a glorious ten days. Quite spontaneously,we decided to stay on in Mexico for a few more days. I had a teeny bit of guilt putting Colin on the plane by himself but that evaporated once the plane took off safely. He is headed off to Michigan with his dad for a week.

We are staying at a lovely B&B ,Casa Sirena and we could'nt be more relaxed. It's surprising how quickly we have settled into the groove here. Breakfast outside, head to the beach and then "happy hour" and dinner at 5.30. It's easy, simple and peaceful.

We've met several people here that came on vacation and never went home. Their stories have made me reflect on my own life in Canada. These past couple of weeks have only emphasized to me the importance of not getting all worked up over stupid things. Shopping malls, highways and the big house in the suburbs hold little appeal for me nowdays. My mums illness has also underscored the importance of my family and friends. Material possesions seem irrelevant in the big picture.

(Note to self - must get rid of my U-Haul locker full of stuff that I don't use)

Steve, the owner of Casa Sirena is an American ex-pat who gave up his old life in Minnesota to find a simpler, easier way of life in Mexico. I asked him if he was worried about taking such a big risk and plunging into the relative unknown. He said very emphatically that he was far more scared of NOT making a change. After a year of running the B&B , he can't imagine ever returning .

There's a (big) part of me that has an "escape" fantasy . I felt this even last year when I spent time on the Pacific coast of Mexico. So,I think at the very least, I have to take some spanish lessons.When I am back in Canada and it's freezing cold, I'll practice a few Spanish phrases to evoke the memories of this delightful country.

Buonas noches de México hermoso

Merry Christmas To All Our Friends And Family

2007-12-25T22:39:00.001-05:00

Christmas Eve

2007-12-24T18:24:00.000-05:00

Christmas Eve

2007-12-24T18:05:00.000-05:00

2007-12-23T12:08:00.000-05:00

Sitting In The Sand

2007-12-22T19:36:00.001-05:00

Sitting in the sand and the sea comes up
so you put your hands together
And you use them like a cup
And you dip them in the water
With a scooping kind of motion
And before the sea goes out again

You have a sip of ocean.

Karla Kuskin

Beautiful Ocean

2007-12-22T17:48:00.001-05:00

I can't fly, but swimming is the next best thing.... The water is my sky. ~Author Unknown

Sunshine and swimming with the dolphins

2007-12-20T17:51:00.001-05:00

Mother , brother, sister

2007-12-19T19:55:00.001-05:00

A perfect day

2007-12-19T19:48:00.000-05:00

Lexi and Grandma

2007-12-18T00:57:00.000-05:00

Relaxation begins

2007-12-18T00:44:00.000-05:00

I thought we were never going to get out of Toronto . Unfortunately ,the storm lived up to expectations and so we decided to leave early for the airport and stay overnight in a hotel . That turned out to be a disaster as we ended up getting the Mini stuck in the snow . Poor Colin had to run (in his crocs ) through the snow drifts to get help at the hotel! This was all at midnight and so by the time we ended up flopping into bed, we were exhausted .

Today , our travel (mis) adventures all seem like a distant memory as we awoke to turquoise ocean , swaying palm trees and Pina Coladas by the pool. Our hotel lives up to all expectations.We are in the Mexican Riviera and it is truly stunning.

It was wonderful of course to see the girls , Andrew and Hilary and we spent a lovely and relaxing first day all together . The highlight of the day was afternoon tea with champagne and "petit fours" . This was all very refined with the sax player and the gorgeous views setting the scene.

It's been a long tme since we were all together and it feels just great !

Yuck !

2007-12-15T21:10:00.000-05:00

GTA Braces For What Might Be The Worst All-Day Storm In 60 Years Saturday December 15, 2007
It happens maybe once every winter - a storm so fierce and so serious that you'll remember it for years to come and maybe maybe one day tell your kids how you lived through it.Whether that happens to be the storm that's coming Sunday remains to be seen. But forecasters are calling this a major weather event with potentially serious consequences. Others just call it a good old fashioned nor'easter.Whatever your name for it, the system that started deep in the heart of Texas is expected to strike right in the face of southern Ontario and leave few areas spared. We could get up to 30 cm of snow or more if it tracks the way experts think, potentially making it the biggest such one day snowfall in Ontario for the month of December since 1944. Forecasters are also calling for gusty winds and blowing snow mixed with ice pellets at times. City News

I've blogged quite a lot about the weather recently . It seems as though it's beginning to be a big deal for us recently as we have been back and forth a lot between Oakville, St Catherine's and Buffalo. We are very aware of the weather forcast and road conditions which tend to deteriorate as soon as we cross the Burlington skybridge. Today is especially gruesome though. We are hunkered down waiting for the big storm to hit .

We tried to do some last minute shopping done on the Lakeshore today . Mum appeared like a shimmering mirage in a bright , fluffy purple coat that wrapped her up like a huge duvet. All I saw was a head with a red hat poking through . It was quite funny ! We were literally SCREAMING with cold as we walked along the street with the wind howling and the snow blowing. It's hard to describe....you had to be there. Colin is totally unaffected by the weather ....he wore his Crocs and no jacket today quite happily . He refuses to wear winter boots and just soldiers on.

I'm sure my good friend Maureen thinks this weather is nothing !She spent many years in Nunavut and recently moved down to Toronto permanently. This climate is probably relatively tropical for her ! I really must get a grip and stop moaning . It's quite pathetic of me.

Lets hope we get off on time to Mexico on Monday. We can't wait....some gorgeous sunshine, plenty of relaxation with my brother , Hilary and the girls . For mum, this is so long overdue , the heat on her bones is exactly what she needs and deserves.

I think a prayer to St Christopher, patron saint of travel, is called for ......

Please, please, please if anyone up there is listening to me ,let us get on that flight without any major delays !

That Christmas Feeling

2007-12-11T16:52:00.000-05:00

It's getting to be a lot like christmas ! This year the christmas tree at New York's Rockefeller Centre will use 30,000 energy efficient LED lights strung on five miles of wire. Apparently the bulbs will save as much electricity per day as a single family in a 2,000-square-foot home uses in a month. The tree itself was cut down by handsaw to minimize pollution and at the end of the holiday season, the tree will be made into lumber to be used by Habitat for Humanity .

Mum has always enjoyed christmas . In particular , she quite likes the idea (if not the reality) of our snowy Ontario winters . We've done some christmas shopping today and we wrote and delivered some christmas cards to the some of the staff and volunteers and volunteers at Roswell . I think they really enjoy a hand written card , it reminds them that they do some very special work with cancer patients and their families.

In terms of her health, mum had a great early christmas present. She had a clean bill of health from Dr O'Conner . Apparently her latest hemoglobin count of 15.6 is unheard of at the clinic . Nobody has results that good ! Her other results are excellent too. The CA27-29 is 4.6 and her CEA is 1.7 .

Good to know too that today was mums last appointment of the year. She's not due to come back to the hospital until January 7th and with a trip to Mexico to look forward to, she's pretty happy right now .

Hair

2007-12-07T21:55:00.000-05:00

Mum has had a few rough days with back pain this week but then rebounded after rest and plenty of pain killers.I always know that she is doing reasonably well if she is bothered by her hair. Since her radiation in the summer her hair has thinned out a little and has changed in texture. Her once curly hair has gone straight and it is very fine . She is quite despairing of it ever returning to normal but I can see that it is finally starting to grow and thicken(it's really not that bad).

I popped in to see her this evening at he condo and I was relieved to see that her major concern was her hair. This is a good sign.She's been to bridge a couple of times and her book club this morning . I think that it is very important to her to look good.It raises her spirits and gives her a sense of normalcy. Small things matter. The outward appearance can really make a difference to how you feel inside.

It's Always Something

2007-12-03T11:48:00.000-05:00

Gilda Radner was a well known comedian who died of ovarian cancer in 1989 . Her biggest legacy was her work in raising awareness of the signs and symptoms of ovarian cancer and the genetic link between breast and ovarian cancer. After her death , her husband the actor Gene Wilder , her psychotherapist Joanna Bull and the film critic Joel Siegal established Gildas Club a place of support for cancer patients and their families.

Radner was a gifted performer who managed to capture the experience of cancer in a way that allowed her to use humour as a way to empathizing with other people going through similar experiences. She said very poignantly , "I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end" .

I hear ya' Gilda ! We don't like it and we don't want it. It's unfair and,to use the wonderful American expression, it "sucks" but the bad news is that Mum has been in pain the last couple of days. Not a "twinge" or an "ache" ,she's been struggling. Today she told me that she was feeling tired of it all and as turned to her at the front door of her condo, I could clearly see that she was looking and feeling more frail . She even talked about cancelling bridge with her friend Joan and just taking to her bed. It's not like mum to feel discouraged.

It is upsetting. Just as she makes some progress ,a clear MRI scan and plenty to look forward to , she has to contend with something else .

Oh well , in the words of Gilda , "Dreams are like paper, they tear so easily” . We'll get through this and we'll get mum to the warm sunny beaches of Mexico thirteen days from today. In the meantime, she'll have to rest, take plenty of pain killers and if necessary, we'll go to Roswell this week and check in again with her doctor.

Here We go ...Winter is well on it's way

2007-12-01T02:18:00.000-05:00

I took this picture of Colin exactly two years ago outside our old house. I love the photo of Colin but it reminds me that winter is on its way . According to environment Canada, thanks to La Nina we are going to have the coldest winter in recent memory. Every year I wonder if I can really get through this season ? I'll never really be a Canadian if it means that I have to embrace the winter ! Confession ....I don't like hot chocolate, snuggling in front of a warm fire and crisp cold days....any of that stuff.

My mother doesn't like it either ....she really can't handle the Canadian weather. I suspect that all those years in South Africa permanently warmed up her blood.

There's only so much .......

2007-12-01T00:57:00.000-05:00

Mum saw the dentist at Roswell Park and thankfully she doesn't have osteo-necrosis - she really has a tooth growing ! It's a big relief because she's had enough to deal with. In fact mum has been poked, prodded,zapped and radiated enough . It's time now to take a rest and in her words "there's only so much a poor body can take" . She decided to postpone the upper G.I test next week and only go back to the hospital one more time for her Zometa infusion on December 11th .

The driving back and forth to Buffalo is beginning to get difficult with the winter closing in. We had a nasty drive home today with white-out conditions from Buffalo to St Catherine's. We feel though that it's still worth making the effort to go to Roswell. Mum gets such excellent care that it's hard to think about changing doctors at this point . We just have to deal with the weather and make the most out of the trip .

Mum never , ever complains ....not once.

A quiet Few days in Oakville

2007-11-28T08:13:00.000-05:00

Things didn't go too well when we picked Colin up from school. He had a minor accident involving a door and ended up with concussion . On Monday I got a call from the school to bring him home for "cognitive rest " and so he has been receiving TLC from mum (Moira). We've watched endless reruns of "The O.C" ,a show he likes on T.V and having a laugh watching "Fawlty Towers" and "Little Britain". Colin loves British comedy. It's something about the wry, sardonic humour that tickles his funnybone !

Mum is doing extremely well . Her appetite seems better recently. Chinese food and pizza on the weekend and she seems more active and positive. She's bound to have had some niggling stress about the brain MRI .The positive results will undoubtedly lift her spirits. We are back at Roswell on Thursday for an appointment with the dentist . This works out well as we will drop Colin off at school on the way down and pick him up on Friday as usual .

It's getting very cold and wintry now and so we have to be quite aware of the weather forecast. There's a big snow storm blowing into Buffalo today . Odd,as it's a gorgeous sunny morning in Oakville.

On the way home

2007-11-23T11:09:00.000-05:00

It will be good to get back . While the Doubletree is nice, it gets wearing after a couple of days . Mum is scheduled to have an endoscopy done on December 6th to try to get to the bottom of the nausea . She will be sedated and the whole thing will probably take up most of the day .

Hmmmm..... the next couple of weeks are going to involve a lot of backwards and forwards to Buffalo . It was good to have that break last month . I find a hospital is a bit like a casino , there are lots of flashing lights , rooms with no windows and the results are basically a metaphorical roll of the dice .

The good news is that we get to pick Colin up at school today . It seems like a long time since I saw him . He missed his basketball game this week due to bad weather and he has two tests today and end of term exams in two weeks . It's hard to believe that his first term at Ridley will soon be over . I can't even imagine how I would have managed everything with mum if Colin was'nt a boarder and more importantly, happy and settled at school .

Hello From Celia

2007-11-22T20:57:00.001-05:00

Hello everybody, this is a photo of me taken on a cold winter , freezing Buffalo day . That is why I am wearing my hat. Do you like it ? Moira and I went to a really lovely restaurant this evening for American thanksgiving.

At long last, this is really me writing on the blog! It has been several months now and I haven't really been at my computer at all. However, I am using Moira's blog to say a big, big thank you to all of you who have sent me emails, letters, cards , presents etc etc etc . There are too many of you to thank individually.

I would however like to give a special thanks to my nephew Frank Booth who came all the way from New Zealand for two weeks to help and support me. I was very touched and I just cannot thank him enough . We've had some good laughs Frank and you were very, very patient with me (particularly in the hospital !) .

I'd like to also also mention my friend Viv for her constant letters of support and to my cousin Sheila - thank you Sheila for that lovely CD . Thanks also to Anne and Peter for their constant good wishes .

Mainly , I would like to thank Moira and Andrew. I think Moira's blog is first class and she has never left my side since the day the illness was first diagnosed. We've also had lots of laughter together . Andrew, what can I say about you ? You have been over from BC to Ontario several times to be with me, you've sat with me in hospital , even though I know it's not one of your favourite places . Andrew has topped everything by organized a lovely trip to Cancun for all of us at Christmas. It will be so wonderful to be with all my grandchildren .

I cannot finish without saying a thank you to my friends in Oakville and of course Doug - you have always been there for me .

I am feeling much, much better now and it looks as though the treatment is working. I am feeling very positive and I'm almost back to normal. I will still have to be a regular visitor to the hospital in Buffalo . Everyone here has been so kind and I could not have done this without Moira always driving me , Andrew paying all the hotel expenses and Doug for handling all the insurance paperwork.

I promise to write to you all individually before Christmas.

Thanks again and bye, bye for now.

Celia .

Happy (American ) Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T17:28:00.000-05:00

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance,chaos into order, confusion into clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpectedinto perfect timing and mistakes into important events.Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.”— Melodie Beattie

This was a beautiful editorial in the Buffalo news today . It was so good , I just had to share it . It's been a cold, wet thanksgiving here in Buffalo and we spent most of the day huddled in our cosy room at the Doubletree !

The grateful heart Counting our blessings is never enough. We need to pass them on.

Today is a holiday. So we will give that editorial part of ourselves that is never satisfied — that voice that views with alarm, thunders for action or fairly oozes with disappointment, that personality that comes down out of the hills after the battle to shoot the wounded — the day off.

Instead, we will do this day, Thanksgiving Day, the honor of taking it seriously. But not passively. Because it is the function of this space to call for something, even on holidays. We will commend your attention to the virtues of thankfulness, of gratitude, even of acceptance, as a foundation for a well-lived life.

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, it is the parentof all the others.”— Cicero

To be grateful for what one has is not the same as being an overstuffed lump in front of the television, pleasant and well-honored as today’s tradition might be. Nor does thankfulness mean a resigned acceptance of things that are truly wrong, in your life, the lives of others or the happenings in your community and around the world.

But to be thankful, to feel it and express it, can drain the selfishness, and the self-pity, out of how a person looks at life and chooses to live it. It is hard to be truly thankful for secure families, warm homes, full bellies, thriving children and healthy bodies, or whatever portion of that one may have, without on some level pledging to preserve it for oneself and wishing the same for others.

To only denigrate what one has, to focus on the feeling that it is not enough, not so much as the other person has, not as nice as life looks on TV or in the slick magazines, is the road to neither personal fulfillment nor social responsibility. That kind of thanklessness leads to the soul-eating discontent that causes jealousy, envy and conflict, that encourages crime both on the street and in the executive suite, and can turn life into a never-ending competition for goods or status that can never be fully achieved.

“The Pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts.No Americans have been more impoverished than these who,nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving.”— H.U. Westermayer

As easy as it is to forget in our turkey-gorged stupor, the history of Thanksgiving in America is not one of merely sitting at the table and receiving an extra large helping of all the good things life has provided us up to now.

Thanksgiving is a holiday created by the suffering Pilgrims of Plymouth Colony, who barely survived their first winter in their strange new land. It was made official by Abraham Lincoln, even as he presided over what he rightly described as “a civil war of unequaled magnitude and severity,” suffering that he interpreted as punishment for the nation’s sin of slavery. In neither case did appreciation for the good that life offered rise from a perfect existence. In neither case did it lead to anything other than a desire, a duty, to build upon whatever there was to be thankful for, to share it with family, with countrymen and with posterity. In both cases, the choice to see the good — and it is a choice — provided an encouragement to
make it still better for still more people.

“One can never pay in gratitude; one can only pay ‘in kind’ somewhere else in life.”— Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Americans who have much to be thankful for, and that includes nearly all of us, are drawn to family and friends at this time of year. In part, that attraction is a way to express, with our mere presence if not in actual words, the gratitude we feel toward them for the many favors they have done for us. But the list of those who have created our society and our world is so long, and goes so far back in time, that it is impossible to repay, reward, even to praise, all those we owe.

So accept the gifts, but don’t even try to pay them back. Pass them on. Express thankfulness in ways great and small, from words of kindness to a stranger, to voluntary service for local causes, to a willingness to pay one’s taxes and then pay attention to make sure the money goes for the proper purposes.

The devotion to improving our lives, our communities and our nation need not, and most often does not, arise from resentment or anger. It comes from a feeling that to whom much is given, much is also expected.

Much has been given us. Much more will follow, as long as we are thankful.

Reproduced from the Buffalo News November 22nd 2007

The Latest on Mum

2007-11-21T18:23:00.000-05:00

Today was a long day . The good news was that again, mums brain is "unremarkable" and there is "no evidence of intracranial mass lesions". Her blood work was great , CEA is 2.3 , down from 3.2 in October and her CA 27-29 is 4.3, down from 4.5 . Dr O'Conner and the nurses felt that mum looked very well . Her weight has dropped to 162 lbs but that was not an issue for concern .
With respect to the weight loss, there's no doubt that mum has two issues going on. She has the ongoing nausea and she feels her taste buds have been affected from the radiation . The only food she really enjoys now is very spicy flavours and she can only eat a few bites .

But ...... we couldn't get out of the hospital without one thing going wrong . Turns out , mum went to the dentist on Oakville last week and she suspected that mum may have a wisdom tooth growing . When mum mentioned this to Dr O'Conner, she was'nt too happy because the issue that comes to her mind is osteonecrosis of the jaw - a potential , but rare, side effect of Zometa . She said that she wants mum to see Dr Maureen Sullivan a dental oncologist at Roswell for follow up .
The Zometa infusion was cancelled for today and if there is bone necrosis, mum may have to stop the drug permanently . Obviously, this is worrying, but we don't want to jump to any conclusions right now until we know what we are dealing with . Hopefully it is something that can be sorted out and mum can resume the Zometa . The drug is working for her and it would be best to continue for as long as possible . Dr O'Conner did reassure mum that if Zometa had to be discontinued, she may already have had the maximum positive impact on the bones .There is a shortage of clinical trials to establish optimal dosing for Zometa . It's not 100% clear if the Zometa even needs to be given monthly after a certain point .

My sense is that the Zometa and the Aromasin have done wonders for mum . Compared to the worry in the summer that she was at risk for hip fracture and other ghastly things, she is bouncing around like a new person !

Postscript

2007-11-21T17:25:00.000-05:00

Yes, I admit it, I was in a bad mood last night when blogged about the insane amounts of money being spent on the war . It is simplistic I know to link the cost of the war with problems of health insurance for many Americans . The thing is, that the longer you spend in Buffalo, the more you are aware of the grinding poverty that exists literally the next block over from one of the finest hospitals in the nation. We would be in total la la land NOT to notice the differences .

Back in Buffalo

2007-11-20T04:18:00.000-05:00

Here we go again ....this time it's a busy week. Mum had an MRI brain scan today , she's got Dr O'Conner Wednesday and a G.I test on Friday focusing on her stomach and oesophagus to try and get to the cause of the nausea .

Thursday is Thanksgiving holiday in the U.S and Friday marks an orgy of shopping. Some stores in the Walden Galleria mall are opening at 4am to allow mad bargain shoppers to get a head start. Now that the Canadian Dollar is so strong, you see the parking lot of the mall littered with discarded old clothes , bags and boxes . The Canadians like the great deals and avoiding duty is almost becoming a bit of a game !

Right by a trash can at the entrance to the mall we saw a discarded pair of Ugg Boots . I couldn't believe it and immediately grabbed them (but they were a size 7 ) The former owner had obviously purchased an even better, nicer pair of boots and just dumped her old ones .

While people are picking up bargains at Target, there is an ethical emergancy in this country and the lack of accessible healthcare is only the tip of the iceberg.

On our drive home, late at night , through the deserted downtown Buffalo streets and boarded up buildings we saw plenty of shopping carts . This time they were full and were pushed by shuffling homeless men and women .

Something is broken here ....how is it possible in this wealthy economy that such abject poverty coexists with enormous affluence ? President Bush has recently asked congress for $200 billion in supplemental financing for war operations but has pledged to veto a children's health bill standing before congress . Apparently , he said something about the president’s responsibility to rein in lawmakers’ “temptation to overspend.”

Starting at Sept. 11, 2001, war-fighting expenses total in excess of a staggering $800 billion and that's ignoring the devestating cost of the loss of human life .

Universal health care insurance for all Americans seems like an impossible dream and President Bush will fight this insane war until his last day in office.

Weekend Update

2007-11-17T23:30:00.000-05:00

Friday came and went and was thankfully, very uneventful . The good news is that mum is still doing well. She came along to St Andrews College in Aurora to watch Colin play his first basketball game for Ridley . We had a great day . Mum had amazing stamina to sit in a freezing gym on hard benches watching the boys play and we even made it into the little town of Aurora for a wander along the main street. "Tis the season now for church christmas fairs and we wandered into the local Anglican church and sat down and had lunch in the hall. It was a change and,more importantly, an opportunity to relax and be together .

Is it Friday yet ?

2007-11-15T02:01:00.000-05:00

I've had better days. Mum and I heard about the very sudden death of the only brother of a friend.This followed on the heels of the news of the death of a friend of mine last week . I ended the day after calling the police to my home about a long standing issue (nothing to do with any family ) . It was quite unpleasant and unexpected .

The whole day was a complete bust .

On a good note, mum still looks and feels great . She has lost quite a lot of weight though and I have noticed that the clothes she bought for her trip are a little loose. She manages a few bites of food and then feels full . It's not easy , especially as her taste buds are affected by the radiation .

Oh well, tomorrow is another day . Deep breath ...begin again .

Recharging and renewal

2007-11-13T17:16:00.000-05:00

It's been a busy and active few days . Mum is very well. She's got hardly any pain, improved nausea and is basically feeling quite settled. I've noticed that she's a lot better at pacing herself. If she has one busy day, she will try to take it easy the next . This seems to work for her and enable her to recharge and make the most of whatever activity she's got planned .

This is a nice little lull ..... no doctors appointments, no Roswell Park, no hectic rushing around .Long may it continue ....

A Boys weekend

2007-11-10T22:34:00.000-05:00

Mum at the batting cage !
Mum should still be on her cruise . Instead she's helping me out this weekend with Colin and his pal from school. It's been a real boys weekend...video games, go karting and a gangster movie . Today we went to an incredibly noisy game arcade . Mum was fantastic and agreed to join us and provide me with some moral support. I suspect she knew that my reserves were running a little thin and just the thought of more pre-teen stuff was enough to put me over the edge!

Mum has always been 100% there for Colin . No boy could have a better grandma. I think he knows it too.

Reality Check !

2007-11-07T12:51:00.000-05:00

Mum and Doug should have been in the warm Carribean waters by now ! This was mum this morning on my balcony. It is absolutely FREEZING today . Grey, yuck and cold ! Oh, well,c'est la vie ! She feels great and is on top form which is all that really counts . I'm dropping her off at Doug's on my way down to St Catherine's to pick Colin up for his mid-term school break .

It's going to be five straight days entertaining two pre-teen boys . Hmmm....Am I up for the job ?

Talismans

2007-11-06T11:57:00.000-05:00

tal·is·man –noun,
1. a stone, ring, or other object, engraved with figures or characters supposed to possess occult powers and worn as an amulet or charm.
2. any amulet or charm.
3. anything whose presence exercises a remarkable or powerful influence on human feelings or actions.

This image is from a very talented digital artist Donna Miller and it's a digital reminder or talisman that all we have is today, right now, this second. My mum is a reminder of the image as she simply embraces the possibility of every new day . She's always been an (sometimes impossibly so) joyful person. When I was a child she always tried to inject sheer fun into my life . Every birthday was a big celebration , she took me to dancing lessons, swimming drama ,horseriding and many other things I can't possibly remember !

There's not one "skill" from my childhood that is of any practical use to me now as an adult . Everything I did was for the challenge and pleasure alone. Now, as a parent myself , I cringe at the thought that I might be tempted "hot house" Colin into something that he has no interest in whatsoever. He is playing the cello now at school and the dreadful scratchings make me wonder if I should immediately sign him up for extra lessons ? I resist the temptation though because I can see that he is just taking pleasure in trying out something new and occupying his own musical space . There's no external pressure, no one to judge him , it's just about a chance to dream and aspire .

The opportunity to be very self-deterministic was probably the greatest gift from my childhood.It's been my own personal talisman or amulet that I metaphorically hang around my neck. Like my mum, I'm a dreamer and a planner . There's nothing better than the prospect of an empty day . I'd rather make plans that fail than have nothing at all to look forward to.

We have the "now" but we also have the glorious opportunity to use our days as a launch pad into the future . The future can be long or it can be as short as an afternoon walking the dog or a good movie on television.

A new day gives us possibilities . Pragmatism and a sad deferral of wishes and desires doesn't hold a ton of interest for either myself or my mother !

My other favourite place

2007-11-03T21:31:00.000-04:00

Probably one of the reasons I like the vineyards of Niagara so much is that they remind me of South Africa and in particular, Capetown. I came across this photo of Constantia today and I just had to post it. The Cape has to be one of the most beautiful places on earth.

Fall

2007-11-03T20:12:00.000-04:00

Gorgeous Niagara views

A beautiful lunch

A stunning fall day

What could be more perfect than a perfect day ?

Calm

2007-11-01T22:36:00.000-04:00

It's odd really. This past week as been remarkable for it's almost total lack of anything to blog about . Mum is really quite well. She's back and forth between her condo and Doug's place as he is largely confined to home due to a problem with his foot . Colin is calm and settled at school and I am feeling quite relaxed and peaceful . The days have been marked by their relative predictability.Even the weather finally feels more like Autumn.

Is it possible that we have finally reached a period of normality ? It seems almost a dull aspiration , but something I welcome with open arms .

I want to shout(blog) this outloud ...Shine on the mundane, the routine and the boring. Let it rain the humdrum , weary tasks of life .

These simple things of life are the elements that anchor us and provide safe harbour in the event of a storm.

Back to Oakville

2007-10-27T18:48:00.000-04:00

I saw mum today and she looks good , despite the recent bad luck . She is resigned to the situation though and is obviously concerned about Doug's health more than anything. Hopefully they will still be able to take another trip in the near future .

Deep breath now ....time to take a break and regroup.

On the way home

2007-10-26T04:37:00.000-04:00

Airports have negative associations for me. They remind me of tearful departures , uncomfortable reunions, lost luggage and an uneasy sense of vulnerability and chaos.

For years , mum lived in the UK and Andrew and I lived in South Africa and subsequently in Canada. For us, the happy pick-up at the airport was almost immediately replaced with a sense of anticipation of the return journey ....the countdown starts before we leave the underground parking . The last time I saw my father just before he died was as he was leaving for a trip and the last conversation with him was over a crackly phone line to Mauritius.When I say goodbye to people I have this irrational fear ....what if I don't see them again ?

On the surface I appear to be fairly global , I can literally get ready in five minutes, sling my passport into my bag and off I go .However, I have increasingly found that as I age, I resist the distance between myself and people I love .Although I hide it very well from Colin, I already fear the day when he informs me that he is off around the world on an adventure ! It's as though I have this primal urge to gather everyone around me in the homestead and keep them close ...even though I am well aware that I don't possess magic powers of protection and sometimes the very thing you dread the most will actually happen. That is unfortunately part of the human condition .The logical part of my brain realizes that we have no choice but to tolerate randomness and uncertainty .

Mum and Doug left Buffalo with a certain degree of unease. I was concerned about how they would manage the logistics of travel and obviously I had some very real concerns about their health. In particular, my mother seemed less resilient and more fragile . Despite the fact she has done extremely well with her treatment and she is relatively healthy, her recent bout of bronchitis and frequent nausea meant that she had to pace herself and watch her energy levels.

Unfortunately , they are unable to complete their trip or even take the cruise back to Florida. The doctor in England has advised Doug to fly home immediately and they are returning today by plane. It's for the best , there's no point taking unnecessary risks .

Mum is pragmatic. it's quite obvious to her that the trip wasn't meant to be and there is no point agonizing about the fact that it's over . She will be home in a few hours and if I am being really selfish (and honest) there's a part of me that is relieved.I can stop worrying now . Doug will have the medical treatment he needs and my mother is safe .

Trip From Hell

2007-10-24T21:58:00.000-04:00

This is from Doug ..... I just don't know what to say . I only found out YESTERDAY that they did not get on the cruise ship . They decided to just manage themselves ....how I wish they had called me .... but I wonder if it would have still turned out the same ??? You can help missed flights and delays ....I feel terrible for them both.

We are now in Swanage staying at `Celia's bother Charlie's apartment. He left For Scotland this morning to visit his son and his family.

Monday night I completed a 3 page diary to give you the details of our trip from Hell so far but when I tried to connect with the server at our Quality Hotel - Heathrow, they ended up changing my laptop settings and I never did get it sent, If I can get Celia to retype it, we'll send it later.

In essence, here is what happened:
Friday we boarded the plane on time to fly to NYC to get the Queen Mary 2. Because of a severe storm on the East coast all air traffic was backed up to the point that out flight was delayed from takeoff so that it was impossible for us to get the embarkation time of 5:00 PM. We recovered our luggage after two hours and just grabbed a local hotel for the night.

Saturday we decided we were not admitting defeat and going home but were getting out of Buffalo so we flew to to JFK and got another hotel for the night. Long story.

Sunday I arranged a `first Class ticket for Celia on Air India as our only option to get to he UK. I rode economy. `Celia slept most of the way and was fine upon arrival.

Mon we arrived Heathrow at 8:30 AM at went to the Hotel for a snooze. We stayed here overnight.

Tuesday we got a car and Celia drove us to Swanage where we will be staying until next Tuesday.

We are hoping everything will get much better Froom here on. Needless to say we were disappointed more than I can express here. Between the disappointment, personal baggage handling, lousy hotels, junk food meals on the run, it has been a trip from HELL so far. Celia is resting right now after a visit to Decia's. She may add to this later.

Cheers, Doug

Nearly Friday!

2007-10-18T22:39:00.000-04:00

What a week .... blur of getting packed and organized and then heading down to Buffalo. It was one of those weeks that I can't even face thinking about and I am just glad it's over .

Dr O'Conner is concerned about mums nausea and scheduled some tests for when she returns from her trip. A brain MRI and a G.I study of her stomach . The brain MRI does sound a little worrisome,but good medicine rules OUT anything nasty . At this point, there is no cause for concern.

We saw Colin briefly at Ridley on the way down to Buffalo . He looks happy and relaxed. He has moved into a bigger dorm with the same room mates ..so he's quite pleased with himself !

I'm looking forward from a break ,no more doctors appointments for five long weeks ....mum of course can hardly believe that she is actually on her way .

Clothes

2007-10-12T03:18:00.000-04:00

I know I said that I thought it would take much longer for mum to be up and around....I'm very pleased to report that I was wrong and true to form, mum surprised me by wanting to go shopping this evening. Her X-Ray was clear and so she headed off to the mall to pick out a nice outfit for her cruise . She is ultra precise about the kind of clothes she is looking for and being a canny Scot keeps her eye out for a bargain. Mum is certainly not the sort of person to meekly follow daughter about the mall.I picked out a sensible black suit but mum insisted that it was "old fashioned" . I chose a smart jacket but I was told it was drab ! Finally she settled on a gorgeous turquoise jacket and fitted navy pants. She looked terrific and it was hard to believe that she has been so down in the past few days .
She is also heading off to the hairdressers tomorrow for a makeover and is planning one last trip to the spa in Buffalo before she leaves . She's determined to look her best !
Mum certainly makes up for lost time and if there is one passenger on that cruise ship that will dazzle everyone it will be her !

More Of The Same

2007-10-11T20:33:00.001-04:00

Immune system The system in the body that works to ward off infection and disease. Central to this system are the white blood cells. Some white blood cells produce antibodies in response to specific antigens that may invade the body; others function as scavengers to fight infection by destroying bacteria and removing dead cells.

This week has been rough . Mum is still very weak but she seems slightly better today . I think (hope)she's brighter and less fatigued. Tomorrow she will go for a chest X ray just to be on the safe side. She was seen by a really great Oakville doctor who does house calls. What a difference....no hanging around in waiting rooms . He's a nice guy too ...not that it's a prerequisite, but that personal connection helps .

I'm feel upset for mum...she's missed out a lot this week...she has'nt got anything ready for her trip, missed going out for a couple of dinners,did'nt have her bridge game. These are the things that give her some semblance of normality and control .

The difference between the two of us is quite obvious. I have also had bronchitis treated with antibiotics but I know that I will be up and around tomorrow. It's a much slower process for mum , her antibodies need a major boost as opposed to a gentle shove in the right direction.

Cough Cough.....

2007-10-09T16:07:00.001-04:00

Mum and I both have bronchitis . Obviously, it's a lot more serious for mum as her immune system has really taken a beating recently. She has a heavy dose of antibiotics and an inhaler that is supposed to be particularly effective. Hopefully that will do the job and she can get better as quickly as possible.
She's sleeping a lot, drinking ginger ale and trying to eat small bites of food. It's all she can do right now until she gets her strength back. At least she's not nauseated anymore.

Achoo !!!

2007-10-09T05:02:00.000-04:00

This weekend was hot and sunny with record breaking high temperatures, very unusual for thanksgiving weekend. Unfortunately for mum, she has been unable to enjoy this extra summer weather. On Sunday night it was clear that she was not doing well . Ongoing issues with nausea and also the start of a cold really knocked her out. She also had a strange looking rash all over her body. I called Roswell Park and the doctor on call suggested that I take mum down to the emergency at the local hospital. He felt that the best medication for nausea was Zofran and she should probably be rehydrated with fluids and get a high dose of the medication through the i.v. Fortunately Oakville Trafalgar Hospital was relatively quiet and mum was seen almost immediately . The doctor checked her over and suggested that she should take the medication three times a day and double her current dose. The X-ray of her stomach and blood work was thankfully normal and after a long night at the hospital she got tucked up into bed.

Unfortunately we are both now laid up with a horrible cold ....I haven't moved out of my bed for a day now and mum is the same . She's just trying to sleep it off .

YUCK ....this is awful ....I will check up on mum today and I hope she has turned the corner.

Thanksgiving Weekend

2007-10-05T23:01:00.000-04:00

The dude with the shades is Colin ready for his long weekend at home . The weather is gorgeous - 27C today and bodes well for a wonderful thanksgiving weekend. The only issue is mum's continuing nausea and she is SICK of it ! As soon as the weekend is over, we will probably give the hospital a call and see if they have any other suggestions . She's got three types of medications, but nothing seems to work. If tomorrow is another bad day , I will probably to run down to Buffalo and pick up a prescription of Zofran for her . She was a bit reluctant before to take the pills because they are so expensive. At this point ...that can't be an issue. It needs to be resolved ....and fast.

Happy Birthday Lexi and Jen !

2007-10-04T14:36:00.000-04:00

Wow... We can't believe it . Alexandra and Jennafer are 13 years old ! Mum and I are so proud of them ...they are turning into beautiful young women .

A Morning Visit

2007-10-03T12:07:00.000-04:00

This morning I heard from mum on the phone sounding bright and breezy. She subsequently arrived at my door looking great and so I had to take a picture of her ....she goes down hard but then rebounds incredibly well !

She's got lots to do today ,errands, sorting things out and is keeping herself busy. Mum always says that she knows literally from the moment she opens her eyes in the morning how she is going to feel for the rest of the day . Today , I can just see from looking at her how she is doing ...taking on the world I suspect!

Tired couple of days

2007-10-02T21:29:00.000-04:00

I popped by this evening to see mum. As she opened the door to her condo I could see that she does look ghastly ....tired and pale looking . Turns out she has unintentionally been overdosing herself with anti nausea medication. She has two types of pills and one in particular makes her very zonked. I think that she probably did not take enough of one medication and then doubled up the dosage on another. Mum of course is fed up with the whole lot and at this point would like to flush them all down the toilet !

I made her and Doug a simple omlette for dinner. She ate it all along with some toast and started looking more lively when I left . It's been a bad couple of days for mum and I hate to see her looking tired , especially when she has done so well recently.

One good thing though...her new condo looks wonderful. I will try to post some pictures of it. She is very happy in her new digs. She just needs to be able to enjoy it .....

It should have been a good day.....

2007-10-01T21:17:00.000-04:00

This morning mum and Doug left Doug's condo for a day out on a bus tour. Unfortunately mum ended up feeling totally nauseous and sick ......but she was a real trooper and carried on with the trip despite a three hour bus ride home . When I called tonight she was tucked up in bed. We HAVE to get this nausea under control before mum goes on the cruise .

I'm concerned now ....the medications only have limited effect . We will need to sit down with Dr O'Conner and discuss this before she goes away .The nausea affects mum's day-to day life. It's great that so far things appear to be stable but it's awful if she can't get on with life because she has these horrible waves of sickness .

Tonight , I need to focus on balancing my own emotional equilibrium. I am worried about mum ...and feel churned up and anxious . The thought of her on the Atlantic ocean on a ship is bothering me and truthfully, mum being away for a month is also on my mind.

I find in general that the best way to combat anxiety is to make a plan and take action . The problem is that the nausea is not so easy to deal with ....and there's no "plan" that we can make with respect to mums illness. We are not just paying lip-service now to the notion of taking life day by day....it is a reality.

Run For The Cure

2007-09-30T18:05:00.001-04:00

Wow ! What a great morning ...Brad, Colin, myself and Colin's friend Devon joined the Ridley College team in the CIBC Run For The Cure in St Catherine's. It was a gorgeous sunny day and the 5K route wound its way along the Welland Canal . There were thousands of runners and walkers all doing their part to raise funds for breast cancer research.

I picked up a pink "survivor" tee-shirt for mum . She wasn't at the walk , but I felt as though she was right there beside us all the way.

Beautiful September

2007-09-26T22:37:00.000-04:00

The definition of a Harvest Moon is: the full moon closest to the fall equinox. The Harvest Moon was thus named because it rises within a half-hour of when the sun sets. In early days, when farmers had no tractors, it was essential that they work by the light of the moon to bring in the harvest. This moon is the fullest moon of the year. When you gaze at the moon, it looks very large and gives a lot of light throughout the entire night. No other lunar spectacle is as awesome as the Harvest Moon.
Harvest Moon Lore

It's a full moon tonight . While I am not one for symbols and suchlike, I noted that the symbolism tonight is quite appropriate because the full moon according to mythology represents the goddess of love and battle.

It's a great analogy after the past couple of days because I feel that those horrible little cancer "gremlins" are waging war and mum is fighting back quite successfully . Perhaps a cure is a long-shot but there is no doubt in my mind that love is the balm. It soothes pain and allows the body to to emerge from adversity renewed and healed.

Good News

2007-09-26T21:26:00.001-04:00

It was wonderful to see Andrew. He looked a little tired but fit and well which was great to see considering his recent surgery.
On his first night we had a lovely diner at Paradiso in Oakville with Doug and then set off early the next morning to Buffalo . Tuesday was a real ordeal because the veins in mums arm are not cooperating and it was challenging to access a vein for her bloodwork and injections for the CT and bone scans . Thanks to the outstanding nurses at the breast clinic , she managed to get everything done all in one day and the only thing we had to do was to have an appointment with Dr O'Conner this afternoon .
The news was reassuring. Although the doctor still has to locate the films of mums original bone scan, she was pleased with the results which were as expected. Her CA27-29 was 7.8 and her CEA was 4.2. Her CT scan was largely unchanged except for an interval increase in sclerosis (A thickening or hardening of a body part)associated with extensive mixed lytic (breakdown of bone ) and sclerotic skeletal metastases; the interval change may be a therapeutic response rather than progression of disease.. The metastatic disease is most marked in the spine and pelvic bones bilaterally.

I find that reading the scan results make me feel somewhat depressed because its mum they are talking about not a "70 yr old female CT chest and pelvis w/contr" and it is a bit stark seeing the word "metastatic" but I also recognize that mum is doing very well. The disease is still confined to the bone and she is responding to treatment . This is the best we could possibly hope for and for that, I am extremely grateful.

Before driving Andrew to the airport,we managed to sneak in a quick visit to Colin at Ridley and a fast dinner at the Swiss Chalet . Mum is exhausted now and she went straight to bed once we got back. She is back on the Fentanyl patches for pain and has new medication for nausea .

Good to be back home ..... a very long , but positive, couple of days. Thankfully , we can cancel the appointment next week . Her next appointment is not for another three weeks just before the cruise .

A waiting state of mind

2007-09-23T21:39:00.000-04:00

I think overall, this has been a good week for mum. Her move is (almost) complete and I think that she can finally settle into her new place. She is really looking forward to her trip and was out today with Doug getting him kitted out with some new clothes (he's dropped a few pounds since his surgery )
The "downer" is that we are back to that "waiting" mode. Waiting for Andrew to arrive tomorrow, waiting to get the scans over with , waiting to see if she can work out an alternative schedule for the Zometa infusion due to her travel plans and most importantly, waiting for the results of the scans at her appointment a week from Wednesday . Anyone who has been a faithful reader of this blog, will know that waiting is not something I am good at. All this "be in the moment" stuff wears rather thin.

My wish right now is for a pair of X-Ray specs that could zoom into mum and pronounce that she has passed her medical and is fit for active duty. Mostly, I don't think I need them because I do have a tendency to scrutinize her closely for any signs of aching bones . Another reason why her trip will be good, gives us both a break from this hyper-vigilance.

Seize The Day

2007-09-19T22:37:00.000-04:00

Growing up as a child and young adult in South Africa, the sight of women carrying huge loads is very common. You see women carrying water and firewood on their heads and babies on their backs. Poverty means that your choices are very limited and your own labour has relatively low currency. To a typical African women, we must seem extraordinarily pampered here in North America.
I don't think I have ever seriously reflected about what it must be like to do hard physical labour every single day....to haul things, to fetch , to drag and to push. What must it be like to have no relief ? I am very fortunate that I have the means to hire someone to share the burden of my various chores.
This summer I have done more than usual physical labour and I'm ashamed to admit that my relatively measly amount of work is wearing me out . I get quite demoralized with the sight of moving boxes and frustrated with myself that I can't just leap into action and drill a hole, fix a broken light switch and shove heavy objects out of the way. The truth is that I feel quite helpless.....an uneasy state of mind for my kind of personality.

Mum and I are both very similar. For her, to sit back and watch others work is not something she is comfortable with. She gets frustrated relying on people and I know would rather just get the job done .She hates waiting around with half finished projects. I try to console her ..."C'est la Vie ", "Let it flow" ....all useless platitudes as we both know that the slightest hint that our independence is compromised is an utter anathema and something to be avoided at all cost.

Carpe Diem is our mutual philosophy ...or...get bums in gear....NOW !

Where mum is going next !!!!!

2007-09-18T21:19:00.000-04:00

Mum and Doug are leaving on the Queen Mary 2 on October 19th from New York to Southampton, staying a week visiting relatives and friends in England and then returning from Southampton on the Royal Caribbean lines via France, Spain and Madeira to Fort Lauderdale.

I am so happy for them both .

Shopping

2007-09-16T23:18:00.001-04:00

Mum and I quite enjoy Ikea. When she first arrived in Canada, we were content to pick up her furniture almost exclusively from the store as she still owned her flat in Ferndown. I will never forget Mum, her friend Viv and myself spending EIGHT HOURS one day at the Mississagua Ikea getting all the stuff she needed.....must be some sort of record ! Today, we decided to take a trip down memory lane and we ended up buying a picture for Colin's room . The Mini is very small and the picture is very large and so we ended up literally jamming everything into the car and mum and Colin folded themselves into the car for the drive home. I laughed hysterically at the two of them when I took the picture but Mum didn't have quite the same sense of humour(she was perched on the edge of the front seat) ....all she could think about was arriving home in one piece !

We chatted tonight on the drive back from Ridley.We both recognize that she's come a long way ....there were some extremely bleak days a short couple of months ago....finally getting out and about and doing some ordinary things is very healthy for both the body and mind - Mum certainly does not want to be wrapped up in a cocoon.

Andrew arrives next week and he will be going down to Buffalo with mum for her CT and bone scan . I just have to believe that she will have positive or stable results - I can't (won't)even consider the alternatives .

First Week Of School Over

2007-09-14T23:09:00.000-04:00

Brad and I picked Colin up from school today . He was extremely cheerful and very happy. He was waiting for us outside his boarding house in bare feet , shorts and a tee-shirt - I haven't seen him wearing his school uniform yet ! He had a great first week , busy but extremely positive. He was a bit disappointed that he didn't make the soccer team but there is such a huge variety of sports to choose from at Ridley that I am sure he will eventually find his niche.
It was wonderful too see him again. It felt like a longish week for me (and his grandma) without him!

I'm thinking about changing the title of the blog !

2007-09-13T21:40:00.000-04:00

You know it's late summer in Oakville when you inhale that familiar stench of rotting algae coming on from the lake. It is truly disgusting . The good news is that the pills mum takes for nausea are effective because if she can handle the Cladophora she is really improving.

Busy day today -

Purchases
1 bed
2 cordless phones
1 Lazy-Boy leather recliner
Fed-Up Phone Calls
Bell Canada
Cable Company
Food
Lunch with Doug at the Oakville Club
Late night dash to Oakville Club again for comfort food order of two kiddy grilled Cheese Sandwiches and fries

I am feeling relatively optimistic today so I have decided to change the title of the blog ...the term "coping and hoping" seems almost redundant now. I've just got to come up with something new .I'll mull it over ....

Back At Bridge

2007-09-11T23:01:00.000-04:00

Bridge is such a sensational game that I wouldn't mind being in jail if I had three cellmates who were decent players and who were willing to keep the game going 24 hours a day

Warren Buffett

Mum has always stressed to me from an early age the importance of knowing how to play a decent hand of bridge. For her it has meant that wherever she is in the world it's possible to always find a group of like-minded people and have instant rapport . Since she moved to Oakville,bridge has provided her with a great social outlet and she has been fortunate enough to meet some lovely people through the game. In particular, she enjoys her Oakville Club friends and today she made it to her regular Tuesday gathering. She looked terrific, happy, relaxed and very cheerful . It's wonderful to see her look so well as this move has really been hard on her.Today ,for the first time in weeks, she really seemed like her old self . We cracked up with laughter tonight in her condo because I told her that she had to prove to me she had no pain !She decided to do a dance around the living room just to show me that she is quite fine and pointed to her mounting collection of canes gathering dust as evidence that she is perfectly mobile.

Satisfied, I left her for the evening feeling really pleased that she has had such a great day . We just need another....and another and one after that ......

Aches and pains

2007-09-11T01:44:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling quite stiff and sore tonight. I have worked hard all day in mums condo cleaning and sorting . I suspect that whatever aches and pains I am experiencing , my mother copes with a great deal more discomfort every day. When I was clearing out mum’s bathroom I could’nt help but notice a wide array of Tylenol, Anti-inflamitories and funny smelling gel rubs ! It would guess that mum has been quietly living with pain for months (and maybe even a year or more ) prior to her diagnosis. She always put it down to her back or her knee “playing up” and I don’t think she really realized that she was starting to live in chronic pain. If it was’nt for a chance visit to the emergency room back in April I wonder how long it could have gone on before she was finally diagnosed .

Mum is still reluctant to take pain killers . Part of her wants to feel the pain, or a "twinge" as she calls it, to allow her to monitor her own body and symptoms and part of her still has a belief that somehow taking pain medication is in some way “bad”. Thankfully, the philosophy of her doctor at Roswell Park is to take a very open and collaborative approach to pain. She is encouraged to basically take as much (or as little) pain medication as she feels is appropriate and there is always someone to contact if she needs a prescription or wants to talk directly to the pharmacist. The goal is for mum to feel comfortable and pain free at all times. From a personal perspective, I can see quite clearly that any fear of “addiction” or “dependence” is totally misguided. Mum is brighter and more energized when her pain is under control and is extremely lucid and coherent even if she increases her normal amount of pain medication.

Sadly, individuals diagnosed with cancer and other serious diseases including AIDS in the developing world are unable to access appropriate pain medication. An article in todays New York Times was startling .Six countries — the United States, Canada, France, Germany, Britain and Australia — consume 79 percent of the world’s morphine, according to a 2005 World Health Organization estimate. The poor and middle-income countries where 80 percent of the world’s people live, consumed only about 6 percent of this relatively inexpensive drug. This fact alone is quite startling and underscores the wide disparities in global healthcare . For example, if you are unlucky enough to live in Sierra Leone, you have no legal access to morphine and the majority of people with painful illnesses have to endure uneccessary pain and suffering.

Mum is fortunate to be able to access good pain management services and there is no stigma attached to her use of pain medications . I suspect the things that work in her favour is her relatively high pain threshold and a very positive approach. She’s a tough Scot and she would have to really be in real discomfort to prevent her from getting on with life.

I am just so thankful she has that option.

Spa Day

2007-09-07T20:44:00.001-04:00

The Zofran seemed to work and so thanks to the recommendation from Dr O'Conner , mum and I took ourselves off to the spa in Williamsville. It was a great escape and we certainly relaxed. We hit the "House Of Pancakes" on the way back to the Doubletree ....yuck .... a bad idea ....mum really has to watch how she eats from now on.

It was an incredibly hot and smoggy day in Buffalo with temperatures well into the 90's . I just hope that Colin is doing OK at Camp White Pine in Haliburton. Hopefully it's a lot cooler up there and he is having a good time . I'm counting down the hours until I see him tomorrow.

Midnight dash to the drug store

2007-09-07T00:17:00.000-04:00

Today mum woke up feeling very nauseated again. She struggled bravely through the day without complaint but eventually I had to phone the doctor on call at Roswell. He prescribed a drug called Zofran which is meant to be excellent at combating nausea. Wow is it expensive ....$20 per pill and she takes two at a time. The main thing though is that it seems to work. Mum was quite definitive,if she had a choice, she would rather have the pain than the nausea ....it's that bad . We went to the Walgreens downtown Buffalo to pick up the prescription. It's quite a sleazy place at night. Last time I was there I almost called 911 because a crazy woman was getting out of control in the aisles . This time I heard something crackle on the security guards radio about a drug dealer and a gun.

We couldn't get back to the Doubletree fast enough.

Finally at Ridley for Colin

2007-09-05T19:25:00.000-04:00

The summer holidays are over now for Colin . we said goodbye to him today at Ridley . He seemed very happy and cheerfuldespite the hot and humid weather. Mum also decided to go to the school and had a very happy day wandering around and chatting to everyone. She even had a glass of red wine at a reception this evening ....the first for a long time. When we were at the hospital, the Nurse Practitioner suggested that mum should go off the pain patch as it could be contributing to her nausea. She followed her advice and so far it seems to have eased off considerably. Mum is now on Oxycontin, but it is not a very high dose and I suspect it helps her feel more alert .

We heard that Andrew is back home in Vancouver. That is a huge relief .

Family Stuff

2007-09-04T23:28:00.000-04:00

It's pretty obvious that mum did not have the best summer but despite everything, Colin has had a good time being twelve years old and reasonably care free....as long as he has his computer and nobody disturbs him.....

First day of school tomorrow for all three of the grandkids...Grade 7 for Colin and Grade 8 for Lexi and Jen.

Still no real news about Andrew , but apparently he is being a bit demanding about getting out of the hospital . Sounds as though he is more like his old self ! What a relief to know he is out of danger. Apparently the surgeon wanted to take him in at midnight but could not get an operating room and so he slept right in the hospital until 3am when they could take Andrew into surgery . Hilary has said that it will be at least ten days before he can start to move around ....this will not be easy for an active guy like my brother . We just wish we could see him and be near him .

GET BETTER SOON ANDREW XXXX

Appointment

2007-09-04T22:49:00.000-04:00

Walking into Roswell Park today was very familiar and vaguely comfortable. Mum and I both know the routine .... get the blood work done fast , ask the nurse for a pager so we don't have to sit in the crowded waiting room and have a list of medications handy .
Both mum and I tend to gravitate towards other people in the clinic. Mum chatted a woman she remembered from her last visit and I spoke to a friend of a young mom of four kids who is battling to cope with her diagnosis. There is a real sense of camaraderie at the clinic as there is an unspoken understanding that despite the cheerfulness of Roswell Park ,the walls of the place absorb a great deal of pain and sadness.
For us though, it was a very positive appointment. The verdict was that mum looks like a "million bucks ". Everyone was very pleased with her progress. Her CEA was 3.9 and her CA 27-29 was 15.8 She is due back on September 25th for a bone scan and a CT scan and she will get the results a week later. The picture I put up today is in the infusion room with one of her favourite nurses Katie. Katie was the nurse that looked after my mum just before she was admitted to the hospital with the espophagitis . Without exception, every single staff member here is incredibly kind and polite. We have yet to encounter one rude person in the entire hospital but sadly, we have become quite conditioned to unfriendly and officious attitudes in the healthcare system generally. I find now that I have no tolerance for any kind of rude behaviour and have raised my expectations accordingly. If Roswell Park can achieve outstanding patient focused care why can't we replicate this in other hospitals ? I'm not wanting to knock the Canadian healthcare system here, but I have personally encountered too many doctors and other healthcare professionals that should not be let loose on vulnerable and fragile individuals. Condescending and patronizing attitudes, long and unecessary waits for treatmentsand miserable drab surroundings create a demoralized and depressing atmosphere which has a direct impact on the quality of care . There are no easy solutions , but I do know that healthcare workers are held to a high standard and if they can't make the grade then they should find another job....

Get Better Soon Andrew

2007-09-03T23:53:00.000-04:00

It was a long , dreadful drive to Buffalo tonight . The Peace Bridge was closed for some reason and we had to go over the border at he Rainbow Bridge in Niagara Falls. As it was dark, we had a lovely view of the American Falls all lit up which was a bonus . We also stopped for dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe but all we could think of was our comfortable beds at the Doubletree . We finally staggered into the hotel very late and very tired .

We feel so much beter knowing that Andrew is recovering from his surgery. We talked to him on the phone on the way down to Buffalo. He sounded very tired and a bit drugged from the pain killers but relieved to be able to put the whole awful episode behind him. He asked Hilary to get him some magazines to read and a toothbrush which we see as a great sign that he is on the mend ! I also found out today that Andrew has'nt been 100% well in he past month but he did'nt want us to know in case we were worried. He had a very painful cyst on his back which was slow to heal ....... it makes me think that he was gettng run down and tired ....I wish I had known.

It's very hard thinking about Andrew in a hospital so far away as our first instinct is to see him imediately. This is very hard on mum as she realizes that she is not well enough to travel and has to focus on her own health . We will be relieved when andrew is finally back at home in Vancouver . When I think about what might have happened I feel a horrible anxiety and vulnerability.
He will see the surgeon tomorrow and we will have more information about the operation and his recovery.

The longest Weekend ........

2007-09-03T14:35:00.000-04:00

We just heard this morning that my brother Andrew had emergency bowel surgery in Victoria in the middle of the night . It was a very serious operation and we still don't know all the details. What we do know is that he is lucky to be alive . According to Hilary, he is resting comfortably and is in no pain . Hopefully he will be out of the hospital in the next couple of days but he will need to recuperate for a long time . Mum is understandably very worried but she is trying to keep calm .

The move was tiring and frustrating , but the good news is that my mums new place looks great and she is very pleased with how it has all turned out . Unfortunately I am practically deaf with this ear infection and had to make a trip myself to the hospital last night .

We are heading down to Buffalo today , doctors appointment tomorrow and then St Catherine's on Wednesday with Colin to drop him off at school. We will stay in Buffalo until the weekend because there is still quite a lot of work to be done at the condo . Hopefully by Saturday night mum can move in properly and I have just another week to go until I get the keys to my place .

Arghhhhh ...... OK I know all about the light at the end of the tunnel stuff.....but this is just too much. My poor brother ......I just can't stop thinking about him . He is the "invincible" one ...the rock of our family and when something happens to him, it makes us all feel very vulnerable.

We're outta here

2007-08-30T10:11:00.000-04:00

It's moving day and mum is looking the best I have seen her in months ! I think it's the adrenaline of the move that is keeping her going . I was hiding out in our local coffee shop this morning feeling a bit tired and sorry for myself and in bounces my cheerful mother ordering coffee for our cleaning lady Maria and herself . She's in good spirits because I suspect she feels in control finally. No more stuff lying around everywhere and all the evidence of "sickness" has been packed away in a large box labelled "pills" .

Here we go again.....

2007-08-28T16:52:00.001-04:00

The final pack-up is on Thursday . Mum is not moving alone however...I am following along with Colin and the dog because I cannot move into my own condo until September 15th. This moving thing is really getting us all down. We are existing on a steady diet of fast food regularly punctuated with Tim Hortons Coffee . There are boxes everywhere, we have very few clothes to wear and now I have a raging ear infection and feel like my head is going to explode ..... mwwwahhhh ..... In spite of these difficulties, mum is actually holding her own .Providing she does'nt overdo it , she is sleeping less during the day and is managing the logistics of the move very well. She went to the bank this morning and is off to the lawyer to sign all the paperwork tomorrow. This is quite impressive considering how little energy she has had recently. It's also not the easiest having a lively twelve year old around the place . When mum gets really fed up , she just sticks a sign up on her bedroom door which reads "Do Not Disturb " and hides out for a while. We get the message !

A a sense of teamwork and good humour gets us through but I am seriously starting to feel a bit demented and very stressed.

Last Days of summer holiday

2007-08-24T16:03:00.001-04:00

It's getting to be that time again. Next week Colin is attending an academic camp at Appleby College for math and French and then he starts his new school, Ridley College on the following Wednesday . I took this photo this morning at the pool with Colin and his dad . It's one of his last few days of "freedom" before Grade 7 starts . I know for a fact that he has not put pen to paper once the whole summer apart from writing down his "cheats" for his computer games . I have put very little pressure on Colin because I have been focused on mum and going up and down to Buffalo. I'm afraid he will have a distinct adjustment period once school starts . He has got very used to the "easy" life without mum and grandma nagging .....it's all going to change very soon !!!

Montreal

2007-08-23T15:47:00.000-04:00

Ann, is one of the friends that mum and I "share". She is one of those incredibally happy and positive people and we both enjoy her very much. On Wednesday we went for a short trip to Montreal. Ann had a job interview to go to and I wandered around the shops . It was really lively , especially as we stopped off at the pleasant Gananoque Inn on the way up and Chez Piggy in Kingston on the way down for some good food and conversation ! Meanwhile, mum was feeling a bit low back in Oakville. She and Doug went out for lunch , but mum felt a bit naseous and had to go home early. This nauseau is not a new symptom but I feel it is something that we need to bring up at the doctor in Buffalo on September 4th.

Moving Again.....

2007-08-22T11:54:00.000-04:00

Mum's flat is covered in boxes all ready to move to her new condo at the Granary in downtown Oakville. Fortunately, mum has hired a lady who helps people move and is responsible for all the logistics of the move, the packing up and all the unpacking and furniture arrangement at the other end. I think moving into her new place is going to give mum a real boost and something new to focus on.
Mum has started to eat a little better now,her appetite is returning a little and she has more energy . She still tires very easily but I think she is better at pacing herself . Without doubt, the fatigue is the worst symptom that she has had to deal with. It is literally life sucking and overwhelming . Any improvement in her energy levels is a great sign and helps to make her feel more normal .

The Weekend

2007-08-18T19:29:00.000-04:00

Weather here is a bit cooler . Mum went over to Doug until tomorrow. He is doing much better since his surgery. I went out for a day to Elora which is a pretty little village on the Grand river. It has a number of very old stone buildings and is the site of Elora Gorge, a "mini" Niagara Falls. It was great to get out for a day and make the most ofthe dwindling days of summer.

Love ......

2007-08-17T19:21:00.000-04:00

There's one "person" who is the complete object of mums affection and that is Charlie , our dog. He adores his grandma and the the feeling is very mutual. Dogs are really wonderful when you feel ill or tired, they instinctively provide just the right amount of comfort. Charlie likes nothing more than to be snuggled up in bed with mum. If she gets up he follows and when it's time for a walk he waits at the door with eager anticipation. There's been days when the only reason that mum has got up is to take Charlie down to the lake for his "walkies". Today , we managed a fairly long walk down to the lighthouse. We stopped off at the bowling club on the way home and mum had a chat with a couple of her friends. It was lovely to see her socialize a little bit and feel more engaged in life .

A Great Day !

2007-08-15T22:00:00.001-04:00

After the good news this morning we headed off to St Catherine's and to Ridley College where we stopped for lunch in Jordan on the way . We had to buy Colin his school uniform for the upcoming year and so we decided to make a day of it .
Mum did really well considering she has not really had too many full days out .
After a short nap once we returned , we all went out again to a restaurant in Oakville .

I just hope that I am not being too optimistic but I just hope we are starting to finally turn the corner.

Good News !

2007-08-15T11:10:00.000-04:00

Despite mum feeling very tired, we do feel that things are slowly starting to improve . Her CEA blood test which is a tumor marker has decreased from 6.2 in July to 3.8 . This is an indication that she is responding to treatment. In addition, her 27-29 test was 21.7 in July and is now 8.7 .

This feels good and positive . It helps .

It's been a while.....

2007-08-14T22:11:00.000-04:00

What can I say about my cousin Frank ? He is one of the kindest, most thoughtful people I know and I can't even begin to describe how special it has been to have him here with us for the past two weeks. He's made us laugh , got us "organized" ,packed up mums entire flat ready to move and has been a deep well of emotional and physical support . We love him dearly and the thought of him leaving on Thursday makes me feel very sad .

In many respects,Frank is our link and touchpoint to the past ....my childhood in South Africa ,years living in the UK and more recently visits to Canada . There are some wonderful, yet bitter sweet memories of people lost to us now -My Aunt May and Uncle Gordon, my cousin Alan , my other aunts Magda and Margaret . All the people in our shared past have created an unbreakable and profound bond between us .

We are connected forever by family , but somehow we have also managed to redefine our relationship. Frank may now literally be at the other side of the earth in New Zealand but we know that despite the distance that separates us, he is always there for us , without question or explanation . This is a true gift and something that is always sustaining no matter how far away we live from one another .

I took this picture tonight . Frank and mum were tucked up in her bed watching "America's Got Talent " ! The three of us had a great laugh - just what we needed !

Summer Time!

2007-08-08T23:20:00.000-04:00

Oakville Town Square

2007-08-08T23:16:00.000-04:00

Mum Update

2007-08-08T23:06:00.000-04:00

Mum had a good appointment in Buffalo . Dr O'Conner said that she did'nt have to go back to Roswell for another month . Despite the fatigue, her blood work looks good and for now things are stable. She suggested that mum goes back on the pain patch which gives a more controlled pain relief and so mum decided to start them again tonight . So.....for the moment, we can just start to focus on other things for a while . That's a huge relief.

Zzzzz........

2007-08-05T20:43:00.000-04:00

If I am being really honest, I am finding that the days all seem to blend together now. Mum is beyond tired , it's hard to describe , it's like waves of fatigue overwhelm her and just take over, despite her best intentions to get up and make the most of the day. She managed to get her hair done in Buffalo yesterday and we all went to visit Doug who is recently out of the hospital from his surgery . After the visit,she went straight home to bed. Today, she has basically spent the entire day sleeping .
It's not as if she seems "sick" , n fact she looks reasonably well . It's like she is reaching inward for extra resources to fight whatever is going on and using up all her energy to heal. She decided to not have the pain killing patch on her arm in case that was making her sleepy, but it does'nt seem to make any difference . When she is awake, she's quite alert and talkative , but then she needs to drift off back to sleep.
Frank is wonderful , he is going to take mum back down to Roswell on Tuesday and will make sure he talks to the doctor to see if there is anything more that can be done. When we saw the nurse practitioner last week, she mentioned that they sometimes use a drug similar to RItain in cases of very severe fatigue, but this is obviously a last resort and we just hope that mum will slowly get better over time and start having a few more good days.

He's Arrived!

2007-08-03T22:43:00.000-04:00

I picked Frank up from he airport after an eighteen hour flight. He was tired and a bit zonked from losing two days , leaving and departing all on the same day . He had a quick sleep and then we all piled into the mini and drove down to Bufalo for mums appointment at Roswell. It was good that we came because mum had a check-up and some blood tests to check that nothing too serious was going on. She checked out fine and she was assured that the symptoms she is dealing with are more than likely due to the ongoing side effects of the radiation . We decided that she should come back to Roswell on Tuesday for an appointment with Dr O'Conner .

We all ended up having a little rest in the afternoon and then went to dinner at a good little restaurant in Elmwood Village, Betty's. Mum headed back to the hotel and Colin, Frank and I wandered around the little shops and art galleries. There's an arts festival going on in Buffalo so the atmosphere is quite fun this weekend.

It's good to see Frank .....there's nothing like family .

Synchronicity

2007-08-02T19:32:00.001-04:00

I took Colin away to Algonquin Park for a couple of days. It was a lovely and much needed getaway. We stayed right in the park at a place called Bartlett Lodge . It is quite idylic and very unspoiled. After dinner last night , we were sitting on the dock when a guy began casting fishing. The first thing I noticed about him was how unusually methodical he was. He cast his line repeatedly with a great deal of patience and assured us that he only caught fish to release them straight back into the lake . We started chatting and it turns out that he is a neurosurgeon , Dr Robert Plunkett at Roswell Park who is one of doctors there that treat patients using gamma knife radiation and a colleague of Dr Prasad. Colin said to him that if we had "problems with Grandma" he would vote for him as a good doctor ! Naturally, we hoped that we would only meet again socially and I said I would be sure to say hello if I saw him at the restaurant at the Doubletree . Like so many of the people we have met from Roswell, he is an exceptionally pleasant and down-to -earth person.

On the way home, we coincidentally met up with my friend Maureen Doherty at the legendary Webers Hamburgers on the highway just outside Orillia . We happened to call each other on the phone as she was heading north and I was heading South . It was good to have a meet quickly and it gave me a sense of normality as I caught up with all the latest news.

Back in Oakville, mum is still feeling very weak and the only really good news on the horizon is that Frank is arriving from Auckland tonight . The timing of his visit could not be better and it works in very well with an appointment tomorrow at Roswell .

Tired.....

2007-07-30T23:55:00.000-04:00

Mum is tired . It's a grinding, horrible kind of fatigue that is mostly associated with the side effects of the radiation. It is completely debilitating. She can get up for about an hour and then has to go back to bed to sleep.

Her throat is still sore , she has enteritis and I suspect she may be starting a cold as she is sneezing and coughing .

It's miserable. She does'nt want to be "sick", she wants to try and get up and do things, but she does'nt have the energy. It's awful and debilitating, but we just have to ride it out.